Tis my life

Oh yeah, that's why...

2010-02-05T17:58:00.000-06:00

Some days I wonder if we're doing the right thing homeschooling the boys. Are we doing enough of the right things? Not too many of the wrong things? Most days I wonder what in the hell are we doing?

But then I stumble on some "Behavior warnings" that Bubba received in his final month of public school. It reminds me how clueless the school staff was regarding his disability and how unmotivated they were to help him be successful in the regular school environment. And then I remember he has been off of all medications for almost a year. Not that it has been easy, and not that medication won't be revisited. But it was a break we could do because we could control his environment rather than try to control him. Sort of.

I still feel lost though, and I'm not sure that feeling goes away? Anyone?

Taking the Good with the Bad

2010-02-05T10:20:00.003-06:00

On my good days, my collected days, my recharged days, I am rational and I approach things from a direction that just makes sense. I can block a head butt with a compassionate hug and work through a difficult choice mitigating an explosion with nothing more than step by step simplified problem solving, tight squeezes, a soft steady voice, and a willingness to separate the behavior from the communication. I don't flinch when I find money torn into little pieces in a carefully constructed pile behind the couch. On these days I breathe unicorns and rainbows. I only see the smiles, the hugs, the laughs, the growth.

On my bad days, I feel like the man from The Green Mile, the man who sucks up all of the bad energy. Except I never get to vomit locusts. Instead they eat silently inside of me, nibbling at the parts of my brain that control short term memory, self confidence, patience, motivation. Some of them eventually do break free, directed at my children at the oddest of times. My voice spews tiny buzzing wings that lash out and frantically slice in an effort to make someone else feel the fear, the confusion, the anger that I feel. I catch myself quickly and gulp down the immature retaliation, bloodying my already raw throat. These are my children. They don't know better. I do. I must lead by example. I must. On these days I wonder what is wrong with me? But it is also these days that allow me to "get" Bubba and Moose, which opens the possibility of more good days.

So the dance continues.

Failing Zakhqurey Price

2010-01-12T00:56:00.004-06:00

Dear Readers,

Chances are you don’t know who Zakhqurey Price is or why it matters to you that this 11 year old boy was charged with a felony. And most likely, if you did see his name fly by as you scanned Facebook while drinking your morning coffee, the words “autism” “injured teacher” and “felony” alluded to a story that was disconcerting but not applicable enough to your own life to garner any further investigation. Besides, a lost virtual cow needed you now. If Zakhqurey Price was real news--important news--you’d catch it on your favorite newsmedia outlet, right?

Wrong. Although barraged by information and leads, larger media has yet to tackle Zakhqurey’s troubling story. This isn’t surprising since abusing children with disabilities is tolerated and justified by the general public. If you don’t believe me, peruse the online comments of the relatively few local and national stories dealing with the abuse of students with disabilities. If you need more evidence, take a look at the recently introduced federal legislation that is aimed at protecting school children from being involuntarily locked in rooms and restricted from moving. Yes, as evident by hundreds of stories of the misuse and abuse of seclusion rooms and restraint procedures in our public schools, we need a federal law to keep public schools from locking children with disabilities up in padded rooms, strapping them down in chairs, and pinning them onto the ground until they are no longer able to breathe.

I know where your mind is going now, at least if you are the general public. It’s the same place that will quietly beckon you once you read Zakhqurey’s story: These kids are dangerous. These practices are needed to keep everyone safe. Teachers shouldn’t have to put up with these kids. It’s a sad situation all around, but these kids aren’t my problem. And with these beliefs also come the less obvious but no less common opinions: Children with disabilities don’t belong in public schools. They aren’t capable of learning. These kids are a drain on the system.

Wrong again. Unfortunately children with disabilities, children like Zakhqurey Price, are all too often not given a chance to achieve their potential. They are instead intentionally set up to fail. These children are denied evaluations and refused adequate services, support, and accommodations. And when these children reach crisis after repeated systemic failure, unsafe methods such as seclusion and restraint are used as a first line intervention rather than as a last resort. As what happened in Zakhqurey’s case, these methods often escalate already distraught situations as children respond out of desperation, fear, and confusion. And finally, the “fight or flight” reactions of these frightened children then “justify” the schools’ responses of dangerous physical interventions in the name of treatment and/or safety. This perpetual cycle of failure and abuse at a minimum leaves children traumatized but also leads to injury, arrest, or death.

Unfortunately, Zakhqurey Price’s story does not end with the abuse of seclusion and restraint methods, but continues with unrelenting systemic failure and abuse. So what happens now? Will you tend to your virtual farm or will you instead pay attention to Zakhqurey Price, realizing that his story is happening everyday in our own backyards? We could stop this abuse from happening especially if we just took the time to notice it.

Ange Hemmer

Been Busy: Advocating Against Abuse of Restraint and Seclusion

2009-12-12T10:28:00.008-06:00

I haven't been writing much over the months, but I have been rather busy over here.

Bubba and I went to Washington DC this past week to attend a press conference on newly introduced legislation on the issue of seclusion and restraint. While it was my second trip to DC this year, it was Bubba's first that he can remember (we also visited as a family when he was almost 2).

My favorite part of the trip was when Bubba met Congressmen Miller:

Congressman Miller: Can I introduce myself to you?

Bubba, not looking up: Nooope!

Me: Secret forehead slap

I have been advocating on the issue of misuse of seclusion and restraint for years, as it personally affected our family. While my children are now safe (we homeschool), many MANY are not. Much of the public believes that child abuse is not tolerated in public schools, and that violators could be prosecuted. THIS IS NOT TRUE. Currently there is NO LEGAL recourse if your child is placed in a seclusion room or restrained. In many states, including Missouri, corporal punishment is allowed and Child Protective Services does not have authority to investigate. You'd think common sense would prevail, but unfortunately, children--especially those with disabilities--are being mistreated and abused everyday in our schools. I encourage you to look into the situation.

Tis NOT My Life!

2009-09-23T21:18:00.006-05:00

Today I saw a video that told a story about autism. But it wasn’t my story, or my boys’ stories, or my family’s story. And it really pisses me off that people are going to watch this and possibly think (assume) that this is our story, our life.

I’ll let you watch it.

I couldn’t even get through the entire thing. I showed Hubby, who just stared at it gape-mouthed as we watched it in the kitchen so that the boys couldn’t hear. (Can you imagine them watching that? “Mommy, did I ruin your marriage?” “Mommy, do I make you cry every day?”)

Our life is not all roses, but it isn’t all gloom and doom either. One of the reasons we have not ‘failed’ is because we have made choices to balance us. Our life is meaningful. My boys’ lives are meaningful, and dare I say enjoyable! We certainly don't live the status quo, nor do we want to. We certainly aren't indistinguishable from other families, nor do we want to be. People's perceptions of our children negatively effect them and us much more than their disabilities do. And videos like this certainly don't make perceptions change for the better.

Our Autism Speaks walk is coming up soon. In the past I have had very conflicted feelings about this walk since I pretty much can’t stand the organization’s scare tactics. But I have walked to support my friends and their families more than anything else. I don’t know if can do it anymore. I can’t just write this off as “fundraising” anymore or ignore it while I support my friends. I can’t ask friends or family to donate to an organization that makes my children look like they have some deplorable, deathly communicable disease that is spreading through the air. Nor can I in good conscious make my children participate in the walk, enforcing a message that they had no part in creating.

I feel lost tonight, shaken, dejected, hollow, battered. I may cry. I may lose sleep. I may feel scared, overwhelmed, and helpless. But it’s not because of Autism. It’s because of Autism Speaks.

Facebook killed the mommy blog-star...

2009-07-08T21:46:00.004-05:00

Ok, so I am not a blog star, but Facebook has basically killed my blog. Lately, with all of the homeschooling, gardening, cleaning, mommying, and just plain living, I am having little time (or attention span) to construct any worthwhile posts. But on Facebook, I can type my ADHD thoughts as "status updates" and post pictures from my new handy dandy iphone in the blink of an eye.

What once would've become a blog post has now become Facebook vomit. I signed up for Twitter and then decided that Tweeting may just push my bird-brain past the point of no return, being that I tend to forget what I'm typing before I get out a complete thought.

The boys work on "Look at me" pages, which was my bright idea to help with them journaling since they have such difficulty with writing. So they glue pictures, color things, and I script for them. Eventually maybe I will go through them and post some pictures and maybe even write something. Maybe. Look forward to the arch, the riverfront, museums, swimming, paddle boating, fishing, cooking, learning, creek walking, park playing, food growing, habitat building, hiking, etc.

It's just like riding a bike...

2009-06-11T22:04:00.003-05:00

Like everything else in Bubba's life, things don't necessarily come easy, but with enough confidence and practice (and some accommodations and modifications), almost anything is possible.

Bubba learned to "lose the training wheels" this week after several unsuccessful and frustrating attempts (years) at home. I can't explain the smile on his face as he "launched" today, but I will tell you that I cried as he yelled "I'm doing it! I'm doing it!"

My Boys are THOSE Kinda People

2009-06-07T13:36:00.006-05:00

They dress up and go to Renaissance Faires. Lord help me. What did I expect, their Grandma is a wench (really, she is, at the Faire).

Thankfully Aunt M is weird too, so she took them and I didn't hafta. She also made their costumes and taught them all sorts of things I now have to listen about....

More pictures here.

Fatal Attraction

2009-05-28T21:46:00.003-05:00

See this cute little puddy tat?

She likes to torture things. Like this one that she blinded and then watched as it slammed itself into things.

And then decapitate them and drag them into our basement. Thankfully this one didn't fit through the kitty door.

I'd almost be disgusted, except that Momma's vegetable garden and flowers have been virtually untouched. And Hubby, who "hates" cats, now has a strange fondness of this one because she comes when she's called, snuggles with his boys, and kills things. Apparently his priorities for females aren't very high.

Smart Ass

2009-05-26T21:32:00.004-05:00

[Comment: I changed one of the names but couldn't change the one that was crucial to the story.]

We were putting on jammies, and as always, we were noticing and pointing out things we probably shouldn't along with discussing who inherited what from whom.

Daddy, slightly disappointed, "Bubba's got the Smith butt..."

Me, never failing to correct Daddy, "No, he's definitely got a Harry butt."

Bubba interjects angrily, "No! I don't have a hairy butt!"

And like the whole thing was scripted, Mooser looks at Daddy, casually gestures his pointer finger at him, and states clearly, "but you do!"

Three Words and Then Some

2009-05-17T12:09:00.004-05:00

A few days ago, Mooser came up to me, hung over my back and smooshed his face up to mine. "I wuv you mommy," he purred. And after I said "I love you Mooser!" and kissed him, he rolled around in my lap, over my shoulders, down my back while experimenting with the phrase. After one final big momma smooch on the cheek, he gave me his infamous sideways glance and happy-danced towards his Legos.

This morning, Bubba stretched with his rear in the air, his head cocked slightly, and his shoulders hunched to allow his arms full reign to zap the remaining sleepiness through his fingers. He then bounced out of bed, only to return to intently sing "I love you mommy," before leaping back out of bed and crushing whatever was in his path, my "I love you too Bubba," following him as he darted out the door.

I must be doing something right. Or I just haven't done anything wrong in awhile.

Mooser-isms

2009-05-16T22:04:00.005-05:00

Bubba has quite a long list of Bubba-isms. I guess Moosie is trying to make up for lost time. While we were fishing, he was climbing on a fence near the street. While I asked him to get down because I didn't want him to fall in the street, he shrugged and casually stated "I no get hit by a car yet..."

****

And then today we watched a drum and fife group parade down the street in Old Town. When we urged him to leave after the group had passed, he adamantly pouted "It not over yet!" as he 'happy danced' while the cars impatiently putted behind the group. He didn't believe me that the 10 cars or so were not part of the parade. I think I may have tried to convince him that cars were a parade at some point when we were stuck in traffic some time ago in order to avoid a meltdown. Whoops.

****

And in case you think I just torment my youngest son...at baseball today Bubba was talking to a little boy's dad whose son was born without eyes. The dad was trying to explain the "fake eyes" and I piped up how Pa Pa (Hubby's dad) has one glass eye. I was trying to relate it to something he knew about to make it easier to understand. But apparently he didn't know, because it looked at me like "What the fuck? Grandpa has a glass eye?" And he definitely didn't understand.

Foot in mouth. Again.

Education Bill Containing Seclusion Language Passes

2009-05-15T09:09:00.000-05:00

[crossposted]

Missouri, May 14, 2009

A comprehensive education bill that contains language regarding the use of seclusion rooms has passed. This bill moved extremely fast.

Unfortunately this language is not what we would like to see. We recommend legislation that includes all the provisions recommended by the NDRN report and will continue to advocate for such.

House Committee Substitute No. 2 for Senate substitute for Senate Bill No. 291

Section dealing with seclusion:

160.263.
1. The school discipline policy under section 160.261 shall prohibit
2 confining a student in an unattended, locked space except for an emergency situation while
3 awaiting the arrival of law enforcement personnel.
4 2. By July 1, 2011, the local board of education of each school district shall adopt
5 a written policy that comprehensively addresses the use of restrictive behavioral
6 interventions as a form of discipline or behavior management technique. The policy shall
7 be consistent with professionally accepted practices and standards of student discipline,
8 behavior management, health and safety, including the Safe Schools Act. The policy shall
9 include but not be limited to:
10 (1) Definitions of "restraint", "seclusion", and "time-out" and any other
11 terminology necessary to describe the continuum of restrictive behavioral interventions
12 available for use or prohibited in the district;
13 (2) Description of circumstances under which a restrictive behavioral intervention
14 is allowed and prohibited and any unique application requirements for specific groups of
15 students such as differences based on age, disability, or environment in which the
16 educational services are provided;
17 (3) Specific implementation requirements associated with a restrictive behavioral
18 intervention such as time limits, facility specifications, training requirements or
19 supervision requirements; and
20 (4) Documentation, notice and permission requirements associated with use of a
21 restrictive behavioral intervention.
H.C.S.#2 S.S. S.B. 291 73. The department of elementary
22 and secondary education shall, in cooperation
23 with appropriate associations, organizations, agencies and individuals with specialized
24 expertise in behavior management, develop a model policy that satisfies the requirements
25 of subsection 2 of this section by July 1, 2010.

Summary:

USE OF SECLUSION ROOMS: This act requires school district discipline policies to prohibit confining a student in an unattended, locked space except for an emergency situation while awaiting the arrival of law enforcement personnel. By July 1, 2011, each school district must adopt a written policy that addresses the use of restrictive behavioral interventions as a form of discipline or behavior management technique, as described in the act. The Department of Elementary and Secondary Education must develop a model policy by July 1, 2010 in cooperation with associations, organizations, agencies, and individuals with specialized expertise in behavior management.

This provision identical to a provision contained in HCS/SB 79 {passed senate as well as house education committee, currently in house rules committee} and is similar to SB 445 {2nd read and referred to committee – no hearing was ever scheduled}. (Section 160.263)

A Lost Love Letter

2009-05-01T11:47:00.009-05:00

Dear Mom,

This week (well, Hell actually the past few years) has been really hard. I feel so lost, and when trying to find my way, I think of you. And then I get confused because I can't remember you being my mom the way I want my boys to remember me being a mom. And I don’t know where to go from here, so I keep trying to remember.

I remember that one time I threw up in your car and I got in trouble for eating too much cereal. We had to stop at the mall so you could buy me some new clothes. I remember riding in your car on the way to your work and the brakes not working and you throwing the car in park to stop it. I remember going inside your work once.

When I lay trying to sleep at night and let the dots connect and the neurons obsessively fire off, I remember bits of you crying when you ran over a kitten and me chasing you up the stairs as your body collapsed in grief, you eating brown rice, you knitting me two little stuffed kitties for my birthday (I still have them), but telling me they were socks when I caught you (I believed you). I remember eating at a restaurant, getting a letter from you at Girl Scout camp. I remember sleeping under your bed because I was so frightened by a nightmare I had and I wasn’t supposed to be out of my own bed.

And of course later, I have memories of you being sick, and laying in bed. I have memories of you in the swimming pool, you putting on mascara, and you laying on the couch telling me and my cousin to be quiet while we were playing. I remember visiting you in the hospital, somehow excited by the fact that kids were not supposed to be able to leave the waiting room, but for a reason beyond my understanding, me and Sister got to go in the hospital and into your room.

I remember not grasping the meaning of the visit or the importance of the fact that this was the last time I would see you alive. I remember you laying there, eyes closed. I remember seeing you look similar later at the funeral home, but you somehow looked happier and more alive than that day at the hospital.

But what I don’t remember, no matter how hard I squeeze my eyes closed or try to drift into some childhood coma, is you ever hugging me or physically comforting me, whispering in my ear, telling me you love me. I’m not saying it never happened, I just can’t fucking remember it no matter how hard I try. I see pictures here and there, but I still can't remember.

While there are many who give support, offer advice, pray for me, think about me--there is no one who can give me my mother’s love, my mother’s touch. And I think that’s what I need right now, mom. I need to remember a hug, a touch. Just one time--just one time so I can feel what it was like to have not just a mother, but a mom. Maybe that would help me not feel so lost as I try to be not just a mother, but a mom to my own boys? Maybe?

I am now older than when you were when you died. Your grandchildren are nearly the same age as Sister and me when we lost you. And I think about the depression, the self-reflection, the passion, the anxiety, the whacked-out emotions that I have and how everyone says I am just like you. And I think that maybe you felt this lost, like me, as a mother, and never got to grow past it, to work through it, to embrace it. The thing is you never got the chance to figure yourself out, and more than anything, I think I mourn this for you.

And I think this has been holding me back somehow. Somehow, my map of motherhood ended with your last breaths of life, and I have reached the point where I am on my own, without a guide. It’s time for me to move past this. Not that I am there yet mom, but I think I’m finally not afraid to live past your life. Almost. And maybe someday it won’t hurt so much to live the life you never got the chance to live and to love the way you never got a chance to love. Maybe.

Forever you daughter,

ange

Botanical Gardens

2009-04-28T09:14:00.004-05:00

Sorry there's no witty story to go along with this, but at least you know we are alive.

We went to the botanical gardens on Sunday, and it was a beautiful 6 hours flanked by one kid throwing up in the car and one realizing a little too late that he was passing more than gas. Ever ride home in a car in 90 degrees weather with puke and shit? I know some of my readers have!

Seriously, the gardens were beautiful, the kids' garden was Bubba's favorite place ever. Moosie never complained about all of the walking. There were only a few tense moments, like when Bubba and Moose were walking on the bridge with no rails in the Japanese garden or when Bubba nearly knocked his Aunt M into the lake (note to self, next time stay away from the Japanese gardens).

Oh, and apparently Bubba thinks anyone who speaks a different language is Spanish. He went up to an Asian man and asked if he was Spanish and the guy started laughing. Meanwhile Mooser picked up a burning cigarette butt from an outside ashtray, pointed to the sign we were standing by, and shoved the thing in my face saying "Sign say no DEEZ TINGS!!!" I totally didn't see that coming.

Seeing Things in a Different Way

2009-04-27T21:33:00.005-05:00

While going to bed, we were telling Bubba that we would be ordering his new glasses tomorrow. Moosie of course wanted to get glasses as well, and was rather upset with us explaining that he didn't need them.

Bubba--who has had glasses since he was a year old or so-- questioned knowingly, "Was [Moosie] born without glasses?"

There was a hint of sadness in his voice, not because he needed glasses but because his brother didn't have any.

We told Moosie not to worry--that if our genes had anything to do with it, he would probably need glasses eventually.

We've Been Busy

2009-04-22T17:45:00.002-05:00

Bubba is "deschooling" and so is momma. We've been busy ... good days, bad days, Tartan Days, building garden days, sensory days, soccer days, lunch break days, filling garden days, experiment days, lots of days [not blogging].

Unconditional Love

2009-03-29T23:10:00.005-05:00

There's something about a vulnerable, peaceful, trusting sleeping little boy that is just irresistible, so much so, even the kitty can't pass up snuggling with him.

What's that burning?

2009-03-23T17:01:00.004-05:00

I burned rice today. Rice. I think that pretty much sums up why I've been quiet lately.

To be continued....

Backseat

2009-03-09T22:02:00.003-05:00

*One of those posts that got lost in the drafts folder!*

So I haven't posted in awhile. I will. Soon. My efforts have been spent at this blog and around the R&S issue. And yeah, it's official, Bubba is now officially out of public school...and a homeschooler. And Moosie is still in preschool and IDONTKNOWWHATTHEHELLTODOABOUTHIMANDKINDERGARTEN. And I am back from Washington DC and I don't think I can really post about it until I have one full night's sleep in my own bed. Then maybe.

And wave to Stimey. I think I have been reading her blog for 2 years. And I met her this weekend. And it was like we were old friends. She is authentic, amazing, humorous, and my type of gal. I found out the COPAA conference is going to be in St. Louis next year. I am going to bribe Stimey to come.

Skating Through it All

2009-02-22T21:07:00.003-06:00

This week has been particularly hard on our family, but more on that later. Today, Hubby left for another week away for mandatory work training. A friend invited us to go roller skating with her church group, and rather than sitting at home depressed over all that has and is happening, me and the boys went.

I am so glad we did. I watched Bubba fall again and again. This was maybe his second time roller skating, so no surprise there. I got out there with him and told him "Look at me, not at your feet. You can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS!" He smiled as he tried, both of us laughing as we tried to navigate around the rink, others his age whizzing by.

By the end of the session he was skating on his own. Not smoothly, but he was doing it. And he was happy as he danced robotically across the rink. He continued to fall...and he continued to get right on back up. And the neatest part was when another kid would fall down, he would be right there to help him up.

Later, when I was frustrated about something else, he said the same words I said to him..."Mom, it's OK. Don't get frustrated. YOU CAN DO THIS!"

And that right there made this whole week worth it. My baby believes in me as much as I believe in him. What more do I need?

(It's a cellphone video, but look at the boy try to dance on wheels!)

A More Comprehensive Story

2009-02-21T18:19:00.003-06:00

Here is a more comprehensive story about what's been going on around these parts.

http://suburbanjournals.stltoday.com/articles/2009/02/21/stcharles/special_feature/0222stc-rooms10.txt

The Media Circus Begins

2009-02-18T07:44:00.003-06:00

This is why I have been so quiet.

I do not like this. Today I show my face and then stand back as people make comments like they know what's going on.

I guess the cover was blown early regarding the press conference today, so now I can share this publicly:

http://www.ksdk.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=167698&catid=3

The comments are starting.... the ones about how the kids should just be in mental institutions or that this treatment is warranted because these kids are 'so violent.' Oh and the ones about how if I would do my job as a parent this wouldn't be happening... Any support in the comment sections would be appreciated. I'm guessing stuff will be in the post this week too.

Chicago Public Schools Should be a Wake-Up Call To Missourians

2009-02-13T12:22:00.001-06:00

**Crossposted**

National media has been exposing alleged abuses in Chicago Public Schools. Most people are unaware that corporal punishment of school children is still allowed by law in Missouri. Missouri lawmakers should abolish corporal punishment in schools and also address the abuse of restraint and seclusion in all schools.

House Bill 96, which is making its way through the Missouri House right now DOES NEITHER. Currently The Safe Schools Act allows corporal punishment. HB 96 would also add "use of force" but neither will be defined or regulated. Your help is urgently needed to push for real reform for the safety of children attending school.

Consider contacting the Missouri House Special Standing Committee on Children and Families :
http://house.mo.gov/content.aspx?info=/bills091/commit/com488.htm and Elementary and Secondary Education Committee: http://house.mo.gov/content.aspx?info=/bills091/commit/com455.htm

And the Missouri Senate Education Committee: http://www.senate.mo.gov/09info/comm/educ.htm and the Joint Committee on Education: http://www.senate.mo.gov/09info/comm/statutory/jced.htm

*****

Copy and paste URL:
http://www.wbbm780.com/Report--Abuse-Found-At-Chicago-Public-Schools/3823032

I think I am going to puke

2009-02-09T13:43:00.002-06:00

I am really nervous. I can't say why. I want to throw up.

How much power does one really big school district have? I think I might just find out.

[insert anxious retching sounds]

New Developments

2009-02-07T16:42:00.003-06:00

Bubba tends to cycle, and has days where he is aggitated and full of anxiety...but he has no idea why nor does he understand why he feels that way. A few days this week were some

Ummmm...mooser just published this for me. and I wasn't near done...

Why is this so confusing to me?!?!?!?!

2009-02-03T19:00:00.003-06:00

I am trying to teach myself the legislative process...again. Again, again. Why is this so confusing? How come the pretty pictures don't help? This is worse than calculus. This is worse than physics. This is worse than memorizing prayers and the process of First Confession, which I never understood, in PSR. And if I do finally figure it out, I forget it like, um 2 seconds later.

Oh I so wish I could avoid this. But I can't. So I won't.

Of Mice and Men

2009-01-31T19:36:00.004-06:00

Bubba and I were going through a book of presidents and once we were done he asked me where Geranimo Stilton was as he flipped through the pages. Who in the hell is Geranimo Stilton? Some president I never heard of? Possibly. There are a lot of those.

Nope. I found out from Google that Geranimo Stilton is a mouse. Go figure. Bubba then ran off to watch Stuart Little 2. Maybe there's a connection there somehow. Still not sure what that has to do with presidents.

Can't type much more. Now that Bubba knows I can Google names and find out things, he keeps asking me to Google every time he hears/sees a name in Stuart Little 2.

Does your library have this stuff?

2009-01-31T16:48:00.006-06:00

We are fans of our local library. Always have been. For the past year or so, I've been downloading audio books and recently I realized we can download e-books. And it's all free. Bubba already spent 20 minutes reading this one. And I've got me eye on books like this. Seriously, if the boys say "I want to know more about sharks" I can show them a pretty pdf rather than a web page. Now don't get me wrong, I like anything where I can find information, but sometimes those web pages have too much to weed through.

Now, I am a big fan of THE BOOK, so you won't see me relying solely on "E" anything when it comes to "reading." We have hundreds of books, but can't have every single one...so this a nice resource. Especially if it's snowy outside and your kids want to know more about dinosaurs or whatever RIGHT NOW. And I can't say "No" to learning, even if it's at 11:30 PM. So this is good, because the library would be closed.

So if you haven't yet, find out if your library does something similar!

A lot can happen in a week

2009-01-30T14:09:00.002-06:00

I apologize for being quiet here... but wow, what a week!

Movement
Last week I gave a presentation to The Missouri Planning Council for Developmental Disabilities - Education Committee. The committee voted to bring the issue in front of the council and the council (hopefully) is expected to approve "supporting" legislation in the restraint and seclusion issue. Within a matter of days, a bill is being drafted and there are two potential sponsors (Senators). I have been working like crazy updating the site I started a year ago. I have been advocating through e-mail and on the phone more than I have since...well, if you have children with disabilities you are always on the phone or e-mailing someone about something trying to resolve a problem, prevent something, or hold someone accountable, or get something to change! Check out the site and give me your feedback. It's a blog, so I'm limited...but if you are smart like that, help me fix things like making the blog let me put thing in the order I want them as opposed to chronologically. Grrr. I can't devote much time on this since I'm spending time on the actual issue.

I am going to DC in March to further educate myself on and advocate about this issue (and I get to meet Stimey!). I am going to the State capitol in February and March.

Work
I have suspended my freelance work until late Spring so that I can focus on this issue (and um a "schooling" issue I have been purposely vague about...). I am scared shitless. Like really scared. It's not like I made a ton, but it was supplemental income that we live on month to month.

But, because things just work out sometimes, we found out today that Hubby is moving to a store 5 minutes away (right now he has about a 60-90 minute commute (round trip). This alone will save us $300 or more a month in gas (and food costs since Hubby so often 'forgets' to bring his lunch!). not to mention that he can come home during lunch when he wants or go to meetings/appointments for the boys...and we can drop by and grace him with our presence when we are running around. And for someone as anxiety ridden as myself, it's good to know he is minutes away in case there is any emergency.

So there you have it.

End the Abuse

2009-01-23T11:33:00.005-06:00

I, along with thousands of other parents, persons with disabilities, and advocates, am trying to ban the use of seclusion rooms and abuse of restraints in our public schools.

Please take a look at Zach's story: http://nomoseclusion.blogspot.com/2009/01/zachs-story.html There is a video. It is kind of small, but I can't upload it properly to youtube right now because it's giving me trouble for using a particular song. There are also some areas that are difficult to read, but I will be working on those as well.

Most importantly, show your support and pledge to stop this here: http://autism.change.org/ actions/view/end_the_use_of_ aversives_restraints_and_ seclusion

Please note, this is not an issue only affecting those with autism, but all individuals with disabilities.

Talk to your legislators, talk to the media, share this and let people know that this is going on. Share your story anyway you can.

Please e-mail me if you have a personal story. And if you have a child with a disability in the school system now--even if you don't think it is possible for them to be restrained or secluded--consider sending a letter to try and prevent this from happening to your child (http://aprais.tash.org/parents.htm).

Thanks,
Ange

nomoseclusion.blogspot.com
nomoseclusion@gmail.com

Bubba's Story

2009-01-22T01:14:00.005-06:00

I finished the video to introduce my restraint and seclusion presentation on Thursday.

Press play. Sorry for the size, Youtube is giving me grief for using an mp3. I did buy the song and I have it on a soundtrack CD somewhere. I don't like breaking rules, so now I gotta go figure this out.

You can read more of Bubba's story here.

Got the youtube version working:

Inspiration

2009-01-20T11:47:00.005-06:00

I am an idealistic person. If I am inspired, I can do so much more. And let me tell you, I am inspired. As I prepare for an informal presentation to a state committee on Thursday on the abuse of restraint and seclusion, these words from President Obama's speech today tremble within me:

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

I believe in equality. Do nothing out of pity, because that implies inequality.

So I ask of you as president Obama stated:

...extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

Today I remind myself to not tell my children that "life isn't fair", but instead teach them about fairness. I will not tell them "that's the way the world works", but instead show them how to change it. And I will not just tell my children these things, but I will also live by them.

NDRN Seclusion and Restrain National Report

2009-01-13T11:46:00.002-06:00

Cross posted

Share this with your local media outlets and government officials!

Read the national report regarding restraint and seclusion, released on January 13, 2009, here.

News article here.

*****************

URLS for copy and paste:

http://s3.amazonaws.com/propublica/assets/docs/NDRN_schools_report.pdf

http://www.propublica.org/article/report-on-lack-of-regs-for-restraint-of-disabled-children-090113#7222

Happy Birthday Bubba!

2009-01-07T22:45:00.005-06:00

You are nine years old, and I love you with all of my heart, more than I ever thought I could love another human being. I finished your video like I promised. It's not exactly like I had hoped, but it's done. And you know as well as me, that sometimes, well, that's all that matters.

You are the spark in our lives, and we love you. Thank you for pushing our boundaries; we are so much more because of you.

mydeo

youtube

Another Train Down...

2008-12-28T19:51:00.005-06:00

We did one holiday train display right after Thanksgiving, and did our second one today. Only one more train display to go!

This guy has this entire train display in his front yard with multilevel tracks, tons of "scenes", and it's free. Most people mosey away happy after a few minutes, but us? We (along with some friends of ours) are there for at least 30 minutes
(would be longer if it were up to all of our boys), and the boys do not hide their enthusiasm.

Bubba was a little upset that the Coca-Cola train with the polar bears wasn't running today (apparently the owner had to simplify because he was having some medical tests done and had to have a friend help with the train system) but Mooser was ecstatic that the trolley was on the line. Since this was our third year doing this, I managed to grab a business card so that we can send the gentleman a card with a donation.

FYI, for local folks.

Happy Birthday Moosie

2008-12-27T09:52:00.005-06:00

Momma is sick today and Daddy is working until 9PM, so we should be very sad that today will not be a birthday extravaganza. But we don't have to worry, because you opened your presents this morning and you were excited about the toolbox (um, that we found downstairs) filled with a sink plunger and a level and a plastic scraper (um, yeah all from downstairs).

We gave you books and a calendar and a wii accessory box, and you were as happy as happy could be. You were opening presents with Bubba and Mommy and Daddy, and that was "extravaganza" enough for you.

Thank you for bringing that into our lives. Thank you for being in our lives. We love you.

I still can't believe you are FIVE. Five! I love you baby.

Cotton-Eye Bubba?

2008-12-26T18:27:00.005-06:00

No, even though it is possible that Bubba has pink eye, this post is not about that.

Bubba and Moosie received toy trucks that play music. Bubba loves these types of toys. He will play the music over and over and over until he nails it. And now that he has discovered the powers of YouTube, he will find the song and then listen to and analyze every version he can locate. His final step appears to be his performance/reenactment, complete with his own costume design.

For those of you who thought you couldn't hear that song even one more time on Christmas eve...believe me if I can hear it 30,000 times, clap to it, and dance to it, and still be smiling, then so can you!

I only had a little room left on my chip, so I just caught a snippet...so you are lucky...this time! Notice Mooser tapping his toes trying not to call too much attention to himself. He also picked out his costume.

And seriously, look at my boys fingers on that fake guitar. I think he watched the YouTube videos so much he memorized the guitar pattern. He also picked up some dance moves that did not get captured. My boy has rhythm but he can't dance.

We Love the Wii

2008-12-25T11:37:00.001-06:00

Until I can further divulge Christmas fun, enjoy Bubba boxing on the Wii.

Autism Night Before Christmas

2008-12-24T07:30:00.010-06:00

After attending one of many family Christmas parties on Sunday, I thought the below appropriate to share. Bubba was overly excited, his one red ear glowing with Christmas cheer, sharing his Christmas ham with another kid's face. Moosie was like his momma and his lip quivered every time he was forced to enter the big room full of people. Ugh. People.

Boys in a "safe zone" with their cousin

Me in the corner

Boys doing their "Christmas poses"

I don't see eye to eye with everything alluded to in this poem, but there are quite a few lines that resonate with this here family with two boys diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders. 'Tis true that my boys bring me great joy, but it's simply because they are wonderful exactly how they are (it's how the rest of word sees them that causes a stir).

Autism Night Before Christmas
by Cindy Waeltermann
AutismLink
(I couldn't get the original site to open up to link to the poem, so I am posting here for now.)

Twas the Night Before Christmas
And all through the house
The creatures were stirring
Yes, even the mouse

We tried melatonin
And gave a hot bath
But the holiday jitters
They always distract

The children were finally
All nestled in bed
When nightmares of terror
Ran through my OWN head

Did I get the right gift
The right color
And style
Would there be a tantrum
Or even, maybe, a smile?

Our relatives come
But they don't understand
The pleasure he gets
Just from flapping his hands.

"He needs discipline," they say
"Just a well-needed smack,
You must learn to parent..."
And on goes the attack

We smile and nod
Because we know deep inside
The argument is moot
Let them all take a side

We know what it's like
To live with the spectrum
The struggles and triumphs
Achievements, regressions...

But what they don't know
And what they don't see
Is the joy that we feel
Over simplicity

He said "hello"
He ate something green!
He told his first lie!
He did not cause a scene!

He peed on the potty
Who cares if he's ten,
He stopped saying the same thing
Again and again!

Others don't realize
Just how we can cope
How we bravely hang on
At the end of our rope

But what they don't see
Is the joy we can't hide
When our children with autism
Make the tiniest stride

We may look at others
Without the problems we face
With jealousy, hatred
Or even distaste,

But what they don't know
Nor sometimes do we
Is that children with autism
Bring simplicity.

We don't get excited
Over expensive things
We jump for joy
With the progress work brings

Children with autism
Try hard every day
That they make us proud
More than words can say.

They work even harder
Than you or I
To achieve something small
To reach a star in the sky

So to those who don't get it
Or can't get a clue
Take a walk in my shoes
And I'll assure you

That even 10 minutes
Into the walk
You'll look at me
With respect, even shock.

You will realize
What it is I go through
And the next time you judge
I can assure you

That you won't say a thing
You'll be quiet and learn,
Like the years that I did
When the tables were turned.......

Merry Christmas -- Sorta

2008-12-23T08:44:00.010-06:00

This year I got everyone...

... a root canal. An unplanned one, that still hurts, and costs money we don't have. I suffered through the dentist. I cried. Apparently it was a "hot" tooth, so the anesthetic didn't work all of the way. I shook. I took a Xanax beforehand, and my daddy came and drove me home. He's a good daddy. But now I can't eat my favorite cookie, unless I eat them through a straw. Which I just might do.

...a cell phone bill that was a fat ol' mistake, and costs $300 we don't have. Turns out when we canceled our home phone to save money? Well that didn't work out so well. Hubby works for a cell phone company. And our cell phones are free. Well apparently his is free, and I get 1000 minutes for free. Didn't know that. But $300 dollars later, we figured it out. And his wonderful company (that I can't complain about because I don't want him to get fired right now) will not credit our account, but would've "fixed" it if I was a stupid customer as opposed to an employee's stupid wife. Oh, and yeah, we have to pay it in full, like right now, or they fire Hubby. And, yeah, since their pay periods are changing, they decided December should be the month they skip one paycheck. And because they really suck (in the nicest way possible), Hubby has to work from 7:30-5:00PM on Christmas Eve. Maybe not a big deal to some, but nearly all of our family stuff is on Christmas Eve. So if you buy a cell phone on Christmas Eve, I will try not to hate you.

...a Christmas card.

...and maybe, if I don't burn them all, some cookies. Not just any cookies, but my favorite cookies. Yeah, the ones I can't eat.

I feel a little selfish, because we got a Wii. For ourselves. But we spread that $250 far since me and our children are so lucky to have birthdays during the holiday season. So Happy Birthday Mommy. Merry Christmas Mommy, Daddy, Bubba, and Moose. Happy Birthday Mooser. Happy Birthday Bubba. Is it sad that we're wrapping up the remotes and cables separately to make it look like we have more gifts? Well, it was either that or wrapping up my tooth bits and shredded cell phone bill. Actually, I got some books and such at Goodwill for real cheap, so the boys should be happy. If they don't like it, they can kiss Santa's rosy red ass.

Hope every one knows I am not a bitter person, this is my screwed up sense of humor dealing with reality. But I'm not joking, unless you have lived under the same roof as me for 5 years or longer, you're getting a card. I know that sucks, and I am sorry.

Surprisingly though, me and my little family are super happy minus all of the piddly shit going on. And I am going to enjoy that fact rather than let commercialism get me down. At least I am going to try.

Let's Review

2008-12-21T10:16:00.003-06:00

So, reviewing the rules from Practice Christmas, I asked Bubba, "What do we say if we open a present and we don't like it?"

Without missing a beat as he concentrated on building his Lego dudes, "Thank you, and better luck next time."

Practice Christmas

2008-12-20T22:49:00.004-06:00

One of my favorite Christmas traditions that I started with my boys is "Practice Christmas." (If you've only missed one year, it can still be a tradition, right?) A few days before Christmas we satisfy our impatient giving and receiving curiosities and we wrap and deliver one small present for each person in the family.

We then go over gift-giving and gift receiving etiquette, because well, this is fun and when I go over the rules on the way to people's houses, the boys know what the hell I am talking about.

After we go through the rules, we act out the scenarios and talk about them. Some years it helps, some years it doesn't. In any case, it's fun to open a present early. And the boys are excited. The rule part of the tradition ends when it becomes tedious and pointless, but I think we will always do an early gift as long as I can get away with it.

Gift-Giving Etiquette:

1) Look at the name tag. (Shit, I forgot this step this year!)
2) Softly hand the present to the person.
3) Let them open the present--do not rip the paper for them.
4) Take two steps back. (After our practice Christmas, I have determined this will be the most difficult for them, so be prepared to get laughing-spit on your face and your feet smooshed by some serious happy-dancing. I have determined this to be the best part for me because I am thrilled to see them so damn excited about someone else besides them getting a gift. So deal with the spittle and the bruised toes.)

Gift-Receiving Etiquette:

1) Wait with you hands in your lap. (Note that I don't care what their feet are doing!)
2) Do not open a present until Mommy and/or Daddy say you can.
3) Look at the name tag. (Shit, I forgot this step this year!)
4) Open the present (no restrictions on that one!).
a) If you do not like the present or you do not know what it is, say "thank you" and set the present down softly. Mommy and daddy will help you. You do not have to lie and say you like the present. Do not say "Thank you. I am not lying. I don't like your present."
b) If you like the present, say "thank you." Do not say "I like your present so much better than so-and-sos."
5) When the crazy people want to take your picture holding a present, do your typical "Christmas Picture" pose. (That is, Bubba looks like a monkey and Mooser looks drunk or is moving.)
6) Do not look around like greedy, disappointed children and ask "Where are the rest of the presents?"
7) Help throw away the paper before you open any boxes (and lose half of the pieces).
8) Give all of the crazy people with the big eye balls and cameras hugs and smile. (OK this one, for the most part I let them choose. I hate when people make the kids be physically affectionate because I hate it myself. I'll mention it, but I usually don't force it unless I think it means we can get the hell outta there faster.)

You may ask why so many "rules"? It's more important to me to set Bubba and Moose up for a pleasant Christmas and good reactions from all the crazy people staring at them as opposed to waiting for them to screw up and then teach 'em what to do (and have all the crazy people telling them how to behave).

Clues for Stimey

2008-12-19T09:52:00.003-06:00

To further help the brainstorming process, these are places that would make sense to have "borrowed crap". But there is no room or really any sense to the madness.

This is the very ill-planned laundry room wedged in-between the garage door and kitchen. The washer and dryer are not in the picture, but there is no space by them. You can tell we utilize this space so well by the crap that is thrown in the narrow opening. To the left is the door to the garage, to the right is the door to the kitchen. The kitchen door opens onto the stairs that go to the basement (yeah, that's really safe, huh?).

And here is my bakers rack, the collector of all things important. The baskets (labeled by Mooser) hold 1) all of the boys' paperwork from school and 2) all of the paid bills and official mommy/daddy documents until all of it can be filed away. I know for a fact that each basket can hold a years' worth of stuff. The metal inbox is for all stuff requiring action, like bills. Doesn't it all look so clean and tidy?

To the right is the paper shredder that doesn't work. To the left is the basket that contains magazines and such. Underneath are containers that function as my "junk drawer". In fact, most of the little containers all over the bakers rack contain crap that I can't get rid of but don't know what to do with. And that little box on the main shelf.... yeah those are Christmas cards that I haven't touched.

Other People's Junk

2008-12-18T13:38:00.002-06:00

I have a big problem, and I'm hoping you (yeah you Stimey) can fix it!

Dear Stimey,

Even though I am a longtime stalker at Stimeyland, I am a new reader of The Junk Pyramid. I am in need of your decluttering wisdom.

Because we are in close proximity to family and friends, we often accumulate other people's junk. I'm telling you, it knows where we live, and it knows how to find us! We have so much of other people's clutter in our house: food containers that eventually get washed that once contained the in-laws' leftovers we never asked for (or ate), toys that were 'borrowed' from a friend to ease a transition (and avert a temper tantrum), magazines and books that I supposedly have to read (but never will), clothes that were needed after an unexpected puking or expected mud puddle incident (I think those got laundered? hmmmm), and of course the fine-accumulating library books and movie rentals.

So we have all of this clutter we can't get rid of until we remember to return it. Yeah, that remembering part is hard. And the locating of the junk is even more difficult in the off chance we do remember.

So what do we do? Donating it all to Goodwill is not an option. I did that last year and the tax write off did not balance out the fines and tsk tsks. The couch won't work, because that's where we put the clean laundry that my mother-in-law folds sometimes. The kitchen won't work because that's where all the shit we have to keep goes. My office? My bedroom? A spare room or shelf or table in the hallway, you say? Nice try.

Please share your wisdom. I'm sure I could put my children through college by saving on the fines alone. And my sanity would be much improved if I had a way to organize borrowed clutter (at least I tell myself that in one of my many voices).

Sincerely,

the borrower of other people's trouble (and crap)

Boy hangs self in seclusion room

2008-12-18T10:00:00.004-06:00

My son was placed in a seclusion room several times in kindergarten. These rooms are still used heavily in our school district, and they are being used for behavior modification and "punishment" much more so than the rationalized use of "imminent danger."

And please don't jump to the conclusion that "this boy must have had serious issues to take his own life." You would "have issues" too if you were put in a prison-cell like room for hours at a time. And like these parents, we were lead to believe this room would only be used in an emergency and that "time out" was nothing more than some time to cool down.

Please pray for this family and all of the children, adults, and families going through seclusion room experiences.

************************************************************************
[Cross posted at http://nomoseclusion.blogspot.com/]

Children forced into cell-like school seclusion rooms
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/12/17/seclusion.rooms/index.html#cnnSTCVideo (Click on the link and then click on the word video under the title of the article to see the interview with Jonathan's parents)

The story
A few weeks before 13-year-old Jonathan King killed himself, he told his parents that his teachers had put him in "time-out."

"We thought that meant go sit in the corner and be quiet for a few minutes," Tina King said, tears washing her face as she remembered the child she called "our baby ... a good kid."

But time-out in the boy's north Georgia special education school was spent in something akin to a prison cell -- a concrete room latched from the outside, its tiny window obscured by a piece of paper. Read the full story here.

Annual Fake Gingerbread Construction

2008-12-17T08:38:00.003-06:00

Every holiday season, we do something with icing. Every 6 months after that, I scrape icing off of the floor and table and try to eradicate pulverized graham crackers and mashed jelly beans from the carpet.

We were all in a half-ass mood this year, but we still had fun eating the icing and candy. Mmmmmmmmm.... nothing's better than icing on graham crackers.

Seeing Things

2008-12-15T16:41:00.006-06:00

I watched a horror show once when I was a child where blood came out of the shower head. And then later I heard a story of a woman who had spiders come out of her shower head (and I actually did have one fall out of our air vent once while I was in the bathroom, so that didn't help). So anyhow, since I refuse to close my eyes when showering and I try very hard not to think about anything either, I am forced to stare at the shower walls.

After seeing the letter A on my husband's head, I thought I'd share my "shower stall visions."

Cat and mouse (sorry about the glare)

Jesus? Or maybe his cousin?

Old man winter

The naughty wall

The water pitcher

Nude torso

There are lots more, but these are the ones that really stand out to me. Don't you wish you could be inside my brain? I told you I was crazy.

A Marked Man

2008-12-15T13:18:00.006-06:00

Hubby was looking at something in our bedroom--and I saw it--a letter on his head!

Oh my gosh, you have the letter A on your head!

Huh, I do not!

Um, yeah, you do so!

So I corralled the boys and asked them what letter they saw on daddy's head. They both thought it was either an H or an A. I took a picture with my cellphone and showed Hubby because he did not believe us. He believes us now--so much so he seems kind of scared.

The scarlet letter? Grade A? My initial?

Well, whatever, he is a marked man. Too bad it wasn't Jesus or Mary that appeared on his head, then we could sell it on ebay.

(You may have to enlarge the picture or step back from your monitor to really see it.)

Guitar Hero

2008-12-13T19:31:00.003-06:00

We expose the boys to a lot music, which is why you see videos of them moving along to Johnny Cash , Nickleback, Alan Jackson, and...

ZZ Top.

I know they are my children and all, but I can't watch Bubba play his Gee-tar without beaming. And notice Mooser trying to 'take a bow' at the beginning rather than at the end? Oh, don't tell anyone that I let my children stand on our coffee table (an old handmade chest). Well, it does make a pretty awesome stage.

It's the most wonderful time of the year, Bells are ringing, Children are screaming...

2008-12-13T09:30:00.006-06:00

Last Friday, me and the boys went to ring the bell for the Salvation Army at a local grocery store. It was cold. Damn cold. I tried to explain why we were ringing the bell. I tried to explain the idea of collecting donations, what the donations were for, and our responsibility to do community service. I tried to explain that there are people who need help and people who may be not have a place to live or food to eat. I tried to relate it to our experiences and why we can't just take, but we also must give.

Well, I failed miserably. After 10 minutes the boys wanted to collect donations for themselves because they were cold and they were hungry. To them, it made perfect sense. How many times does mommy say "No, we can't buy that because I don't have any money."

So yesterday we were signed up to ring the bell again. Since the first time didn't go so well and I spent most of my time trying to keep the boys from playing with the automatic doors and running out into the parking lot, I decided to do what any self-respecting mother trying to teach her kids about civic responsibility in the freezing cold would do-- I bribed them.

So I told them if they said "Merry Christmas" to 100 people, they would get a prize. So they both rang the bell, said "Merry Christmas," and every so often remembered to say "Thank You!" when people donated. Of course every minute Mooser asked "We done yet? Getta pwizha?" and Bubba was more interested in trying to direct cart traffic or figuring out how the bell made a ringing sound more than anything else.

I am sure I have corrupted them in some irreversible way, but they made a lot of people smile. And they encouraged a lot of people to donate. And we lasted for the full 30 minutes without incident, which in itself is a Christmas miracle.

Cold Winter Days and Nights

2008-12-10T09:00:00.009-06:00

What do you do on cold winter days and nights?

We do puzzles. Play games. Watch movies. Make Lego guys (virtual and otherwise). We work (grudgingly).

We walk on old railroad tracks. Watch parades. Decorate. Watch the cat torture a cute brown mouse (and then set it free because we can't bare to watch her kill it).

We see Santa (several times at several places). We ring bells for the Salvation Army. We freeze our asses off.

(Yes I realize my son is wearing cowboy boots with sweatpants. And that is a reindeer!)

And my favorite thing to do? We rock out (country style)!

(Beware of my Yee Haw towards the end. A little embarrassing maybe, but worth that smile I get. Sorry for the cell phone quality--it's one of the few ways I can get videos/pictures of my kids without them knowing.)

Procrastination Meme

2008-12-08T20:19:00.003-06:00

read this over here, so doing it here because it's a good way to procrastinate

1. Five names you go by

a) Ange
b) Angelique
c) Sister
d) Mommy
e) Ang

2. Three things you are wearing right now:
a) t-shirt
b) navy exercise pants
c) glasses

3. Two things you want very badly at the moment:
a) to give myself what I try so hard to give my boys (all of them)
b) my husband home (he works retail, tis the season for goofy hours)

4. Three people whom I would like to see fill this out:

a) Sister
b) Aunt Janice
c) Aunt Elaine

5. Two things you did last night
a) Went on an impromptu date (dinner with a gift certificate!) with Hubby when he got home from work
b) Cleaned up Moosie's puke

6. Two things you ate today:
a) Peanut M&Ms
b) Coffee (this counts if I had it for breakfast, right?)

7. Two people you last talked to on the phone:
a) Hubby
b) My dad

8. Two things you are going to do tomorrow:
a) Work on one of my freelance projects
b) Decorate outside to surprise the boys (if I can con Hubby into helping)

9. Two longest car rides
a) From MO to Niagara Falls when 5 months pregnant and driving (riding) straight through (minus a pee break here or there)
b) From MO to Duck Shores North Carolina and back with two little boys, a Hubby, and a lovesick sister
(I'm sure I had longer rides on vacations when I was a kid, but I have blocked those out permanently.)

10. Two of your favorite beverages:
a) strong coffee with cream
b) fountain cherry coke in the summatime

AND ANOTHER:
Pick a color for the things that you have done. Mine are asterisked.
I have…
*1. Started my own blog
*2. Slept under the stars
*3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
*5. Watched a meteor shower
*6. Given more than I can afford to charity
*7. Been to Disneyland/world
*8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
*10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
*13. Watched lightning at sea
*14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
*18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
*21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
*23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
*24. Built a snow fort
*25. Held a lamb (Bubba's stuffed animal one)
*26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Skied a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
*29. Seen a total eclipse
*30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
*32. Been on a cruise (a small one from Ft. Lauderdale to the Bahamas)
*33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
*35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
*41. Sung karaoke
*42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
*45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
*46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
*52. Kissed in the rain
*53. Played in the mud
*54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (documentary)
*56. Visited the Great Wall of China Well, I was in China when I was 12, I think I saw it, but didn't get to walk on it)
*57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
*61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
*62. Gone whale watching
*63. Got flowers for no reason
*64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
*67. Bounced a check
*68. Flown in a helicopter
*69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
*70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
*71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
*74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
*79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
*80. Published a book (I worked in book production, so technically I was part of publishing lots of books.)
81. Visited the Vatican
*82. Bought a brand new car (truck)
83. Walked in Jerusalem
*84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
*86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
*88. Had chickenpox
*89. Saved someone’s life (Sister, when she choked on a butterscotch when we were kids)
90. Sat on a jury
*91. Met someone famous (Um, Vicki from the Loveboat. Fozzie Bear. Do they count? Gene Cernan, the last man to walk on the moon.)
*92. Joined a book club
*93. Lost a loved one
*94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
*98. Owned a cell phone
*99. Been stung by a bee
*100. Ridden an elephant

Teacher Gifts

2008-12-06T11:31:00.006-06:00

Between both boys and their various bus drivers, paraprofessionals, teachers, and therapists, I have the need for potentially 40+ "teacher gifts." Since I believe that, yes, even the bus driver has a powerful influence over my children, I want each person to know that he or she matters to my children's lives.

Since I have not won the lottery, this year seems to not lean towards being a "baking year", and matter of factly half of the people responsible for at least one of my children have not taken their responsibility sincerely, I have decided to take the boys' art work and adorn it with a poem I just wrote, but seems unfinished.

Maybe it will come to me. Or maybe I will let the recipients finish it for themselves.

Perception

inside I am everything
that you
do not see

I am everything
you do not know
that you want me to be, inside
I can give you
what you do not know
you need

I am breathing, beating, bursting
inside
what you're afraid
to believe

if you look
inside
and choose to see
me

--AH, 2008

** Edited: I changed the title (and keep messing with the last verse), but maybe it is too strong of a word. I wanted this to feel as it is coming from a child's voice as this is what I hear in my heart when Bubba struggles with understanding his emotions and other people's reactions.

A little louder

2008-11-17T12:17:00.003-06:00

Do you ever get a message, a little nudge? Maybe a speeding ticket when you are going a little too fast. And then you get the message just a little louder the next time? Maybe a little fender bender? And you thank your lucky stars for that second chance, that much needed message that was just a little bit louder?

Remember this?

After putting the knives up higher, further back, and out of even my reach, Bubba found them. He was just cutting an apple... with a butcher knife... blade-side up.

He sliced the tip of two of his fingers on his right hand. I am so grateful that is all that happened. The knives are going in a locked box in a locked cabinet.

After me nearly tossing my cookies when he came up to me and said "Mom, I think I hurt my hand." And then after nearly fainting when I removed my hand from the bleeding to see how deep it was, we made a trip to the ER.

After a three hour wait--Bubba perfectly content talking to other injured patients and me suffering near-puking nauseousness--the doctor opted to glue all of the various lacerated layers. We were concerned the stitches would lead to picking, which would lead to possible infection and reinjury.

So we arrived home at 10PM, ace bandage wrapped and bloodstained. I wasn't able to sleep. And I still feel nauseous. Bubba is all about telling everyone he cut himself with a "butcher's knife" and the only message I can hear now is the one echoing in my head with stabbing anxiety: Bubba crying softly and saying "I didn't know the knife would do that mom. I didn't know the knife would do that..."

My Reality

2008-11-14T12:33:00.002-06:00

I happened on this local artist's work. I like it. I connect with it. That is all.

Makes Sense

2008-11-13T22:42:00.002-06:00

Moosie: I pick out yogurt. No want girl yogurt. Boy yogurt!

He huffs over to the dairy section in the grocery store and forcefully selects the pink strawberry Dora yogurt.

*****************

Thirty minutes after a temper tantrum in which he threw all of the sheets and blankets off of our bed:

Bubba: How are the covers going to get back on the bed?

Me (hoping daddy would do it since I was laying down in the bed): I don't know. You threw them off the bed, so you figure it out.

Bubba: Well, first the green sheet goes down, then when that covers us flat, then the blanket goes on top, and then...

Guess they showed me.

It's a Cat Eat Rodent World

2008-11-10T16:40:00.004-06:00

For the second day in a row, I have found the bottom half of a fuzzy creature at the bottom of the basement stairs. Sally apparently not only knows how to use the kitty door, but also how to drag her leftovers into the house.

The thing I don't get is that the bottom half is always what's left. So far since she started going outside, I have come across three or four squirrel bottoms. Is there something unappealing about the waist down? And what does she do with their little rib cages and skulls? How does she severe them in half?

Why is even the cat a freaky little butcher?

She is about 6 pounds, the same size as the squirrels. Seriously. In any case, the squirrels must be on to her, because today all I found was a tiny remnant of a mouse torso.

I'm going to have to start sleeping with my eyes open.

(Hubby says I need to take her to the vet to get her something that prevents worms. She has all of her shots and is on Frontline.)

What kitties are for

2008-11-09T17:26:00.003-06:00

This is what kitties are for...making sick little boys feel better.

So Proud

2008-11-07T10:48:00.002-06:00

I am so proud of my husband. Even though it is a story that has been in the making for a few years, it will most likely not be a story that is ready to be told for another year or so. But he called me with an update--a teaser--that made me beam with pride. I believe in him, I have always believed in him. So why am I so proud? It really has nothing to do with the news he shared, but instead what I heard in his voice. He believes in himself. He believes in himself.

The ways of the universe

2008-11-05T08:39:00.004-06:00

I specifically did not post about our kitty until I was pretty certain she would be a permanent member of our family. We have had her since early August, but I dared not post pictures about her in fear that I would jinx keeping her.

So yesterday, I finally post pictures, and what happens? Yesterday afternoon she was turned in to animal control and this morning Hubby woke up with out-of-control allergies. (I told him maybe he was allergic to the cat being gone. He didn't buy it.)

So now I fret and wait for the animal control office to open at 10am so I can go rescue Sally. The poor baby must be scared, and probably downright pissed to be back at the shelter.

She wasn't happy as a 100% inside cat. So I don't know what to do. In the past few weeks she has been becoming so much more vibrant and healthy. She doesn't meow all of the time or rip paper since we started letting her play outside. And when she's outside, she rolls on the concrete and chases leaves and bugs. And we keep her indoors from early evening until morning, giving her the option to go out during the day (but she doesn't have to). SO what do we do? I don't want her to keep getting picked up (It is going to cost us $70 to get her back!), but I don't want her to be miserable either?

Happiness is in the (not) so little things

2008-11-04T09:48:00.003-06:00

Every morning Hubby makes the coffee. Every morning it makes me smile. Every morning I tell him thank you. And I mean it. The smell of coffee wafting into our bedroom tells me he loves me.

We still have Silly Sally the cat. Hubby is now taking Allegra, we are feeding her homemade catfood (thanks Niksmom!), and we have trained her to use the doggy door that came with the house. I have never had an inside/outside cat before, but it was clear she needs both. I get absolutely giddy when I call her in for the evening and she runs to me from wherever she is, meowing. I scoop her up and listen to her happiness. And when I catch Hubby watching, I can tell that he knows how much I appreciate what he is tolerating so I can keep her.

But I know it's not all just for me.... ;)

Halloween 2008

2008-10-31T21:19:00.002-05:00

I was able to snap a few pictures of the boys. Believe me, it wasn't easy.

Moosie finally got to be someone from the Fett family (they were out of Boba, so he settled for Jengo), and Bubba got to be some skeleton biker (No, I was not happy about this or the fact that my parents let him watch Ghost Rider.)

What to fight for

2008-10-29T14:21:00.004-05:00

Last night, as I tucked in Bubba and Moose, I was already emotionally and physically exhausted. Aunt Piggy and Uncle Guitar Man were in town for a few days, and we had done our annual hike earlier in the day. We pulled the boys out of school and enjoyed each others company in a crisp, cold, relatively beautiful local park.

And then Aunt Piggy and Uncle Guitar Man left us. And I cried. Now they are back home, across the country. And I miss them.

In any case, I talked to Bubba as he tossed and turned. He coughed, and then perked up slightly, "Mom, if I am sick, do I have to go to school?" I firmly told him yes, trying to hide that my heart was hurting and my gut was screaming. Bubba can't express exactly what is going on at school; all he can tell me is that he is "angry." And the only thing I could think of while I kissed him goodnight was something I commented on another blog. Another mom is struggling and learning in the special education system, and I told her, "[He] is telling you something...it might be difficult, but keep listening."

I know that this is true for Bubba. He is telling me something, and I should listen to him, believe in him. Funny how sometimes your own advice hits you when you need it.

So today, I met with the boys' Regional Center coordinator to update their yearly plans. As we discussed Bubba's school situation and the fact that Moosie will be starting kindergarten next year, she reminded me of our options...lawyers, advocates, changing schools by private placement or even moving. It was clear she believed we had enough data, information, and cause to fight for the appropriate education for Bubba.

But all I could tell her is that I know what we could do, but I am so tired. So bitter. So exposed. I have fought for years, repeating argument and proof every year. I have been forced to question myself, my son, my beliefs, my perspective time and time again. But here we are, with little improvement, much regression, and a family in crisis.

But as I listen to her and those in my family who are worried about my sanity if we keep Bubba in school, but just as much if not more if I homeschool him... I struggle with what is not the right choice, but the best choice for Bubba and for me and for Hubby and for Moose.

I don't think I want to homeschool just because Bubba's in crisis at school. But what we have been going through year after year has definitely brought the idea front and center. But I don't want to homeschool him for selfish reasons (i.e., to not have to deal with the system and to be involved in his learning). I want both boys to have successful, love-filled lives and provide them the tools to enjoy where they are now and get them where they want to go later.

I suppose I know what to fight for. Or more precisely, who to fight for. I guess what's lacking is enough self-confidence. If I only believed in myself as much as I believe in my boys. I know I will get there. But it's difficult when you go against the grain, especially here in a traditional community. (I still get comments about how I nursed Mooser until he was in his third year!)

And in case you are wondering. I really miss Aunt Piggy. I think 2009 will bring a visit to Oregon. Maybe a homeschool field trip even. *smile*

Another Anniversary

2008-10-27T13:13:00.005-05:00

To all those who read my blog, I am aware that I have "issues." Chances are if you asked me for a list, everything that you have secretly thought at one time or another would be on there. I am fully aware and very expressive about all of my idiosyncrasies. And in fact, I suppose that is one of my many issues!

I remember once my sister telling me "Ange, I don't know how to say this, but you have some issues..." As she trailed off, I cheerily replied, "You mean like how I do [this] or [that]?" "Um yeah..." she stammered.

So yesterday, aware that I am always either very hot or very cold, very anxious or very depressed, very emotional or very distant, I quipped to Hubby: "You know I am a little crazy, right?"

"Yes," he said, and then gave me that sincere smile, that smile that tells me he wouldn't want it any other way.

Not that he doesn't have his issues either...but many of the reasons why I married him 11 years ago this month were exactly because of his "issues." And I'm sure (actually, I am positive) the same goes for him. Not that it has made for an easy life, because let me tell you, between the two of us, there's a lot of drama, confusion, and tension. But we choose to look at it as excitement, spontaneity, and passion.

Here's to another year of the best kind of love--the kind that ain't easy, but oh so worth it.

Being Set Up to Fail

2008-10-23T16:35:00.006-05:00

I requested an IEP meeting awhile go, knowing that we may very well decide to pull Bubba out of school. After jumping through hoops and rescheduling the meeting so that the people we want to be there are, in fact, there, we were told that this was just going to be a team meeting to discuss progress. Well yes, let's discuss progress--like the lack of progress and my son being set up to fail.

This is a sample of the work he is bringing home. It is clear he is attempting the work, but also clear that he is being pushed past his level without school giving him a chance to master anything. And yes, on most assignments, he is doing them with the aid of a paraprofessional or teacher, and still struggling.

Obviously his IEP needs to be revisited if most of his assignments are graded as a "1" on a scale of "1-4." But yet, the school is confused why he acts up (avoidance behaviors).

Sigh.

Fundamental Difference

2008-10-21T14:22:00.004-05:00

As I have been preparing my "homeschool proposal" I have been doubting myself. One moment I am strong in my convictions, the next I am wondering if Bubba would be better off in school if I just fought harder.

Am I giving up? Did they just beat me down? I couldn't help but wonder. But then in a moment of clarity, I remembered my initial reason to homeschool and why it has been in the back of my mind since kindergarten--the school and I do not see eye to eye on a very fundamental belief.

Bubba's school believes he needs to be compliant in order to become a successful learner. I believe Bubba needs the opportunity to be a successful learner in order to understand the purpose of compliance. In other words, I believe in "accomodate and modify" on one end while remediating on the other--he'll have different points of success, but success just the same. The school appears to believe that Bubba learning how to sit still and keep his mouth shut (at whatever cost, such as picking his fingers until they are bloody nubs) is the most important lesson for him to learn.

Scariest Halloween Moment

2008-10-18T11:18:00.005-05:00

This is what I woke up to this morning.

Bubba came running in with a small pumpkin with every hidden knife we own rammed forcefully through its core. Look mom! Daddy will be happy. And then after I explained that daddy would not, in fact, be happy, he shrugged off my concern with, It's OK mom, I am old enough to play with knives now.

I remained calm and explained why he will never be old enough to play with knives if I have any say about it. The Prozac must be working, because I did not obsess about what could've happened.

Time to find a new place to hide the knives.

Keeping Track

2008-10-15T18:20:00.004-05:00

More for me, I am posting another "book report" we did in August following a book, video, hands-on, interest approach. If you haven't guessed, we are considering pulling Bubba out of school and homeschooling him. I am in the research and planning phase right now. Hubby requested a proposal to make sure I thoroughly think this through, and so we can make a decision as a family. Bubba is all for it, and I have been very frank about the differences. We followed a general homeschool approach (well, the way I would like to do it!) during cycle break so that he understood (and we got an idea of) what it would be like.

Learning

2008-10-15T16:07:00.004-05:00

We didn't just learn about telling time over cycle break, but we also learned about such things as amphibians and the life cycle of a frog, we learned about momentum, and we learned about bubbles.

I capitalized on this learning by sending in "book reports" to Bubba's school, such as the one below. (He told me what he wanted to say and I typed it.) Of course the actual learning did not occur with the book report, but our multi-modality approach (videos, hands on, books, etc.) at home seems to be helping make things "stick." It also helps that we are learning things that he is interested in. Notice by the pictures that Mooser is learning too. *smile*

The Time is Right

2008-10-15T15:29:00.003-05:00

I am so freaking excited.

First off, I am extremely frustrated with Bubba's school in general. Besides that, as he gets older, it is clearer than ever their "special education" focus is more on "good behavior" (compliance along with quietly sitting still) and less on what the heck he is actually learning.

He is in third grade and struggling in all academic areas. Telling time is one skill that he has not mastered, and it is no longer being addressed in the classroom. The students are, however, supposed to be using a planner. Of course Bubba has no interest in the planner, because it means nothing to him except copying text from a screen. But early in the year we had to work on his behavior to "comply" with filling out the planner...

So anyhow, that doesn't sound exciting...so why am I giddy? Because over cycle break, with no stress from school, we learned things in a different way. We talked about time, made clocks, played with clocks, watched videos on time, sang songs about time, and did a few worksheets on time for visuals of counting by 5s when looking at a clock face (think how confusing that is to a kid when the numbers say 1-2-3-4-etc.).

Today (he is back to school this week), a "telling-time" song came on PBS, and Bubba got excited. Mom! Telling time! Telling time! He then correctly told the time when the song indicated to do so. He then looked at the clock on our wall and asked What time is it? I said, Well, the little hand is right after the 3... and Bubba exclaimed...WAIT! I can do this! He then counted by 5s and said It's 3:25! It's 3:25!

What was really cool was how excited he was to be learning something, that he wanted to try it himself, that he didn't get frustrated, and that he was successful and confident. What is really sad is that's exactly what is missing from his general school experience.

Right on the money

2008-10-14T19:40:00.003-05:00

Since another blogger inspired me and because I am the absolute queen of procrastination (or is it multitasking since I simultaneously gave my children their bath?), I took this personality test.

I am an Idealist. I don't know the rest because it costs money on this site. So I guess that makes me a cheap idealist. *Updated to add that Hubby is an artisan, which is also quite correct if you read his blurb.

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

Idealists at Work
Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. They are naturally drawn to working with people and are gifted with helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potential both on, and off, the job.

Your beliefs are the arbiter of your actions, even if you cannot articulate those beliefs specifically. You hold a strong, clear sense of the way the universe works, what's "right" and what's "wrong," and what your purpose is in the overall scheme of things. In your ideal job, you can embody those beliefs in your relationships with other people. Because you likely have a talent for de-escalating situations and can almost always find just the "right words", you often significantly improve the morale of organizations to which you belong.

************************************************

Artisans are the temperament with a natural ability to excel in any of the arts, not only the fine arts such as painting and sculpting, or the performing arts such as music, theater, and dance, but also the athletic, military, political, mechanical, and industrial arts, as well as the "art of the deal" in business.

Artisans are most at home in the real world of solid objects that can be made and manipulated, and of real-life events that can be experienced in the here and now. Artisans have exceptionally keen senses, and love working with their hands. They seem right at home with tools, instruments, and vehicles of all kinds, and their actions are usually aimed at getting them where they want to go, and as quickly as possible. Thus Artisans will strike off boldly down roads that others might consider risky or impossible, doing whatever it takes, rules or no rules, to accomplish their goals. This devil-may-care attitude also gives the Artisans a winning way with people, and they are often irresistibly charming with family, friends, and co-workers.

Artisans want to be where the action is; they seek out adventure and show a constant hunger for pleasure and stimulation. They believe that variety is the spice of life, and that doing things that aren't fun or exciting is a waste of time. Artisans are impulsive, adaptable, competitive, and believe the next throw of the dice will be the lucky one. They can also be generous to a fault, always ready to share with their friends from the bounty of life. Above all, Artisans need to be free to do what they wish, when they wish. They resist being tied or bound or confined or obligated; they would rather not wait, or save, or store, or live for tomorrow. In the Artisan view, today must be enjoyed, for tomorrow may never come.

There are many Artisans, perhaps 30 to 35 percent of the population, which is good, because they create much of the beauty, grace, fun, and excitement the rest of us enjoy in life.

Artisans at Work
Artisans seek to make an impact upon the organizations where they work and upon society at large. Their alertness to current realities, the joy they take in variation, and their tendency to follow their instincts to 'what works' make them good troubleshooters and negotiators, talented performers and craftspeople and excellent leaders in all kinds of emergencies and chaotic situations.

Even at work, your motto could be, "Let me entertain you. Let me make you smile." In fact, bringing playfulness to situations can be one of your greatest contributions on the job. In your ideal job, you have the opportunity to apply your talent for performing and improvising communications so that they appeal to the individuals or groups of people in your environment. Because of your gift for words, your ideal position might include tasks that allow you to apply your communications talent for the good of the organization.

Strange Dreams?

2008-10-14T09:20:00.003-05:00

Daddy stirred Bubba when he tried moving the heavy 8-year-old out of our bed. Bubba popped up:

Daddy...What's an evergreen tree?

It's a tree that stays green all year, even in winter...like a Christmas tree.

I have a fancy Christmas tree. It's silver.

And then he was out.

Politics

2008-10-02T10:26:00.005-05:00

Bubba has been curious about the presidential race. We have been counting signs in the neighborhood, tallying them, using our estimates to decide the winner on November 4th. Bubba and Moosie have been exposed to the debates, and they watched each debate for a few minutes and asked us questions.

According to Bubba, Obama should win because we have had "too many white presidents." He decided this after we looked through a book of past presidents. McCain almost had him with his military background, but lost Bubba's vote because he doesn't "want a girl assistant." As awful as it sounds, the reasoning behind this is simply because, like most 8-year-old boys, he "doesn't like girls."

Even if you don't think they are, the kids are listening...to the political ads, the off-color discussions, the media coverage, the debates and rallies, and everything in between.

Who did the kids pick?

Disability-related issues

2008-10-02T10:05:00.002-05:00

Disability rights is of course only one small piece of a the larger picture, but you can read a comparison chart of the presidential candidates here.

He's not a bad kid

2008-09-27T11:51:00.006-05:00

Bubba is often considered "the bad kid" because of his poor impulse control and his limited ability of knowing when to STOP doing certain things when grown ups are looking. For example, his peers know to look innocent and to hide the spit balls when an adult glances their way. Bubba, on the other hand, will do what his peers are doing if it looks like fun, but will keep on doing it no matter who is looking! Guess who gets in trouble?

********

Bubba was trying to help some kids on a slide, and apparently moved something out of the way that they had not wanted moved.

"You're an idiot!" the boy stated loudly.

Bubba paused, while daddy and I gawked from below.

"That's not a nice way to say that," Bubba said softly as he scratched his head.

"You know what's not nice?" the other boy retorted "Your face. It's ugly."

"Don't say that," Bubba said, and he walked to the edge of the slide and exclaimed "Mom! Someone called my face ugly!"

I told him that if he didn't like what someone was saying to him, he could say "That's not very nice" and walk away. The parent of the other boy said nothing.

Later, me and Hubby talked to Bubba and told him how well he handled the situation. We explained further that you can disagree with someone and still talk, but if they are just saying things to hurt you, it is better to ignore them. In the past, Bubba would've yelled, hit, screamed, pushed, or something to that nature. Not because he was offended, but because he didn't know how to respond. He didn't have many responses in his bag of tricks. So this was a big deal on so many levels.

The hard part for mommy is that it is clear Bubba understands insults and they hurt his feelings. I know daddy secretly wished that Bubba had decked the kid, but I was proud of Bubba for not giving the kid any power and walking away.

Drainage

2008-09-25T17:47:00.002-05:00

Bubba has been picking at his nose a lot lately and seems to have a irritating cough. Thinking maybe he has postnasal drip, I asked him if he felt anything going down his throat. He pondered for a moment and then stated matter of factly: "Just my spit. And my brain. That's it." I'm guessing that is a "yes" to the postnasal drip question.

Roller Coaster Ride

2008-09-22T17:57:00.003-05:00

I am kind of emotional, I think because of the pain meds, but for family, here's an update. For those of you who have no idea what's going on, well lucky you, you don't have to ride the worry train like the rest of us did!

Last week I was having moderate chest pain. Since I had been coughing for a few weeks I went in and the doctor did a chest x-ray, which ruled out pneumonia or a cracked rib. I figured it was a pulled muscle or something, took Advil, and went on with my life.

By Friday I was in excruciating pain. I had tender areas that would cause me to scream if touched, I could barely walk, and it hurt to breathe. I felt like large knives were stabbing me over and over again, in multiple places. I called Hubby and one of my friends crying, I could barely speak.

They took me to the doctor who sent me to the ER. Since the pain was so intense, and because of the presentation and location, my doctor, and then the ER staff believed it to be my gallbladder. They sent me for an ultrasound, and prepared me mentally for the possibility of gallbladder removal.

Upon returning from the ultrasound, I was in so much pain, they doped me up. The pain never went away, but at some point I was so sleepy and dizzy, I didn't care.

At some point, the ER doc came in and told us that the ultrasound indicated that my gallbladder was fine, but that I had a small adenoma on my liver that appeared to be bleeding.

The ER was going to send me home with pain meds, but my doctor wanted a surgical consult. The surgeon wanted a CAT scan. So they did the CAT scan, which was inconclusive apparently, and then someone ordered an MRI. Since they couldn't do the MRI until Saturday, I was admitted. For that night and most of Saturday it was difficult to get out of bed to walk to the bathroom, but by Saturday evening I was feeling better.

Anyhow, after being placed on anxiety medicine so I could make it through the hour and a half hold-my-breath-even though-it-hurt-like-hell MRI, we waited, and waited, and waited. At this point I didn't know if what I was feeling was my original complaint or side effects from all of the medications, not being able to move my arm since my IV was in my elbow crease, the hard bed and not being able to get comfortable (the bulging disk I have in my lower back started to flare up), blood being drawn, being kept on a clear liquid diet "just in case," etc.

Since the ultrasound indicated bleeding, the one doctor would not let me go home. The surgeon on staff that weekend wanted to send me home and said nothing need to be done to my liver "yet" (we never did figure out what that meant). And NO ONE READ THE MRI until Monday morning, so there I sat in the hospital all weekend.

Finally on Monday, the MRI was read and it was determined that I have some (I never got a clear answer as to how many) hemangiomas, which are around 5cm, on some part of my liver. Apparently vascular tumors aren't that rare and aren't that big of a deal unless they get too big to cause symptoms. The GI doctor that finally saw me did not believe from the test reports and his assessment (where he pushed on all of my insides and on my tender areas) did not believe the hemangiomas were the source of my pain. He believes since I was coughing for so long, that I had chest inflammation, muscle issues or something to do with my ribs. The surgeon said he "didn't think it was my ribs", and my primary care didn't think my original presentation (when the pain went from bearable to excruciating) indicated chest inflammation, but they I described how the pain moved when I went from sitting to laying flat, that it was liver/gallbladder.

So really we never did find out what was wrong, but the pain is much better after being immobile for 4 days and doped up. I am now resting at home, trying to move around but not over do it. The pain is back to bearable, I am just dizzy. I go back to the doctor on Friday.

The plan is to request all of my records from my ridiculous hospital stay and take them to a liver specialist for a second opinion just to make sure.

My poor kids were shuttled everywhere and were so stressed. At one point Bubba screamed at me on the phone: "I am so angry! I am so angry mom!" He apparently crumpled up a picture of me and daddy and also asked Ma-ma if I was going to die. Poor guy. It was really hard to hear him so upset.

I felt awful for the roller coaster ride we put family and friends through, but you never know what to tell people or if you should hold back until you know more. So to family and friends, I am so sorry you had to worry along with us. The amount of support we got with the boys and all of the prayers and well-wishes were amazing. We are very lucky to have that kind of support and love in our lives. And as someone else said, gave my dad something else to think about, so all of a sudden he started doing much better. I guess there's always an upside! I also know to tell my OB that hormonal therapy might not be the best way to address the hormonal issues I have going on.

Good news, for now I am OK, no surgery is needed, and I am back home. And a word of warning: hope to God you never get admitted to a hospital on a Friday afternoon.

I got nothin'

2008-09-15T21:19:00.003-05:00

A quick update as to why I am silent here:

1) Third grade sucks.
2) We are broke.
3) I am working, a lot.
4) Hubby is allergic to Sally (the cat).
5) I want to keep the cat, so I am cleaning, brushing, sanitizing, a lot.
6) Hubby is working 12 to 14 hours a day. (So who cares if he is allergic to the cat. He's NEVER home!)
7) I only have 2-3 hours a day to work without my kids at home, until Hubby gets home (at 9PM). (Thank goodness I have my mother-in-law and some respite funds to help me out when I think I am going to cave in. Unfortunately, when the boys are gone, there's still no resting.)
8) I am still fucking coughing (this is the fourth week I believe), and now I have a sharp pain in the right side of my chest when I breathe(I am hoping it is gas).
9) I am writing a lot of emails to teachers to document things, and planning for another IEP meeting (see number 1).
10) The one part of our basement floor we didn't need to replace when our kitchen pipes ruined our basement? Yeah, guess whose basement leaked RIGHT THERE thanks to Tropical Storm Ike? Yep, ours. The floor is ruined.(Yes, I am thankful we weren't in the actual hurricane and I know it could've been so much worse.)
11)My dad is staying hydrated and getting some nutrition, but he is having a lot of bad "reactions" to the LapBand. Worrying about him is a full-time job in itself. Plus he's crabby, which makes me crabby.
12)When the boys are home, I am trying to give them a 100% Right now, our relationship is pretty good, so that makes me happy. :)

A quick update as to why I will be silent here for awhile:

1) See above.
2) The boys start their three-week cycle break (no school) on Friday.

What have I given up? Exercising, writing, working in my garden. No wonder I am crabby. And now summer is over. :(

Do you trust CNN?

2008-09-08T14:20:00.003-05:00

Thought this was going to be some political post, didn't you? Nope. I am still sick; what is this, week 3? More than anything, the pounding headaches I get during and long after coughing are unbearable and debilitating. I wasn't sure if there was something--anything-- I could do besides taking the doctor-prescribed Advil every four hours, Codeine cough syrup, Claritin, Mucinex, and antibiotic.

CNN tells ms "To prevent primary cough headaches, avoid coughing."

Good to know.

Procrastination

2008-09-05T21:37:00.002-05:00

Hopefully this isn't the face recognition software the FBI uses...

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

And what sort of politically correct bullshit is this?

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Family history - Geneology software

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Geneology

What's the story?

2008-09-03T11:52:00.005-05:00

School has not been going well. I am beginning to see why Bubba hates the third grade.

So he told the story, and apparently there is no problem with it--the birds were happy with the situation, so why create a problem where there is none? And come on, what's a story without "the end"?

Maybe I just find this funny because I am on narcotics and antibiotics and I am still coughing myself into a constant migraine. In anycase, don't tell Bubba that I hate third grade too...well at least I really, really dislike it!

Random bits of blubbering (or "poor me")

2008-08-28T11:54:00.004-05:00

My dad's been having some ups and downs with the lapband--some days are good, some days are bad, and some days just scare the crap out of me.

I am sick, my first cold of the season, and have lots of work to do before October. I freelance to help make ends meet, but my contributions are eaten away by medical expenses, and the debt is still accumulating like an infection under the skin. I often think I should return to work fulltime, but there is too much to love and manage here at home. And financially, it wouldn't make much sense in the long run, at least not right now

It has not been a pleasant return to school for Bubba. Moose is adjusting to going to preschool in the mornings, but I am not adjusting to his return in the afternoons. It appears I will have two children that try to hold it together at school and then let it all out (ALL of it) when they get home.

But we got a kitty, and that makes me happy. Bubba named her Silly Sally. Hubby is allergic, but he only has a reaction (itchy nose, watery eyes) about once a week, so I think he may let us keep her.

I have posts started about all of this, but just haven't had the energy, motivation, or desire to complete them.

For now, watch this, and know that if an eighth grader can figure this out, so can you.

Think about it

2008-08-21T09:54:00.004-05:00

I am working on something in my head and in my journal that further explores the words I have on the right side of my blog, but until then, watch this and this.

Invisible Disability

2008-08-17T10:47:00.003-05:00

My boys are very good natured, compassionate, accepting, and honest...they just don't have a lot of tact. This often leads to a lot of "kid's say the darnedest things" moments and some pretty funny situations.

We were at a family reunion yesterday when Hubby's mom introduced a little girl whose arm did not develop past her elbow. Bubba immediately went up, grabbed her arm, inspected it, and asked incredulously "Do you have an invisible arm?!?!?!" He started to go for her shorts to look for it.

The girls grandmother was speechless. I, just approaching the introduction, lightly pressed my hand on Bubba's shoulder and reminded him that he shouldn't touch people without their permission. Bubba's grandma had a knee jerk reaction and quickly delivered: "He has brain damage--like a stroke." Apparently Bubba gets his lack of tact from his grandma.

Later I pulled Bubba aside and we talked about the little girl's disability in the context of his disability (she was born without part of her arm, he was born without his corpus callosum). We discussed how he didn't need to worry about any differences and that it wasn't nice to point out the differences because it might make people feel uncomfortable. When he brought out his cars and she asked to play, he stood nobly and stated "Yes you can play with my cars. And I don't care what happened to your arm!" And that was that, and they played happily until it was time to eat.

Thumbs Up

2008-08-08T10:08:00.004-05:00

Dad didn't get in a room until 7PM, but all went well. It was difficult seeing my dad so vulnerable, pale and in pain. Let's hope that he gets the motivation he needs to get healthy so I don't have to see him like this again!

That being said, it felt good to be able to be there for him and my stepmom. He balked about me and Hubby being there since it was "no big deal." But his eyes said otherwise when we walked in. And I was glad my stepmom didn't have to sit in the waiting room for 8 hours by herself. We had some decent conversation, which was good.

Dad having surgery

2008-08-07T09:01:00.003-05:00

Sorry for not posting much lately...too much to do! (Not that I don't have a gob of half-written posts!)

Anyhow, my 60-year-old dad--the one who is diabetic and seriously overweight who drinks regular soda like it is his life blood (rather than the death sentence it is)--is having Lap-Band surgery today.

I love my dad, but am not happy about this decision since he is having this surgery thinking it will be his "magic bullet." Never mind that he hasn't tried sticking to a healthy diet and exercise plan for more than 1 week. He thinks this will force him to lose weight. Maybe it will. Idunno.

All I know for sure is that he is a food addict and he is going to be damn crabby for a long long time. And he isn't a rationale person when he is crabby.

This is supposedly a minor operation, so I just pray for no complications.

The word is getting out

2008-08-01T10:58:00.001-05:00

Regarding restraint and seclusion in Missouri schools: Alliance Newsletter, see page 2.

Relative Fear

2008-07-27T10:41:00.003-05:00

Please keep my aunt, uncle, and cousins in your thoughts and prayers. Unbelievable and scary.

Update.

Heavy Stones

2008-07-26T09:19:00.009-05:00

Nothing hurts my heart more than the death of a child. Hearing about the death of a child permeates my chest with heavy stones of sadness, uncertainty, confusion, fear. As my chest fills, stones clinking me aware, each breath becomes more shallow, and then deeply more deliberate. Each breath forces me to acknowledge the weight pulling from within, the heaviness threatening to pull me under.

Years ago--although I can recall the tiniest details of the day, I can't recall the year--I attended the funeral of a coworker's little boy. He was Moosie's age when he died. He triumphed through many heart surgeries, but he slowly lost his life after being on life support and receiving a heart transplant.

The funeral home was filled with poster after poster of a happy, amazing little boy. I remember the line for the viewing being painfully, uncomfortably slow, each slight step forcing me to look at another snapshot of this marvelous little boy. I don't know why, but I specifically remember a small picture of him in a body of water with an orange lifejacket on, his smile firm, his little body bobbing slightly. And then suddenly I was embracing his mother and all notions of "What should I say? Not say? What should I do? Not do?" disappeared.

As I left that night, the image of his tiny peaceful body forever in my mind, I contemplated how a family grieves the loss of a child, especially a child requiring a spectacular level of care. This little boy had medical needs, therapeutical needs, spiritual needs--his parents keenly aware of the possibility of death, struggled to give him a balanced but rich life, the just in case purposely tucked away every morning.

I imagine their first conscious breath often a decision or thought regarding their little boy, early morning appointments with the pediatrician, lunch appointments with the heart specialist, after work predinner appointments with the physical therapist. I try to imagine the quick e-mails sent and received, the medical research conducted, the impromptu blood draws required, the worried phone calls, all infiltrating the work day. And then the so-called trivial aspects of parenting-- feeding dinner, giving baths, reading stories, applying bandaids and emphasized kisses--when bits of marvel, hope, and love leapt out or even just inconspicuously leaked out. I try to imagine all of this, and then having not just the child but the tightly woven tangles and lovingly tied knots of the parents' lives ripped out in a flash.

And I can't. I can't imagine it at all. All I can feel is despair.

I read about another child dieing this week, discussed on some of the blogs that I read regularly. I did not regularly read the mother's blog and thus did not have a connection to her or her little boy who died suddenly. But the stones continue to fill my chest, and with each breath I helplessly think of this little boy and his family. I am reminded how we are all connected, intentionally or not.

Each time I come across the memorial bookmark I have kept from all those years ago, as I finger the soft recycled pulp, I will not just think of Spencer Kult but also of Evan Kamida.

Nothing hurts my heart more than the death of a child.

The fruits (er, vegetables) of my labor

2008-07-22T12:30:00.006-05:00

When I came back from vacation, there was a handful of green beans left and a surprise zucchini.

The zuke doesn't look as nice battered and fried, but it tasted damn good!

The garden did not die while I was gone, though the vines took over since no one was around to keep them in line.

Tomatoes are on their way.

Something likes the broccoli. Yes, that is a broccoli plant!

Beets, carrots, lettuce.

Moosie approves of the carrots.

I couldn't bare to throw away the carrot greens just yet, so they became the inspiration behind an impromptu flower arrangement.

Doing Just Swimmingly

2008-07-20T19:59:00.004-05:00

The really cool thing about seeing my boys in the exact same environment at the exact same time of the year (even in the exact same swimming suits) is to see how much they have grown and changed.

This is so fantastic on so many levels.

Bubba is now swimming deep under water, nearly across the pool. According to him, he's a "dipsey diver" (he means deep sea diver).

Moose is now in the water (thanks to the water temperature being lukewarm). And that's a big, big, BIG deal.

And Hubby. He's swimming with us. Also quite the feat since last summer.

And me, well I don't care if you see me in my swimsuit. I just don't. And that's a nice feeling.

It gets me every time

2008-07-17T15:01:00.004-05:00

Waiting

Making sure the new shoes "work"

One down, one to go

And there he goes

Rebound Fatigue

2008-07-16T18:33:00.004-05:00

You know that after vacation kind of tired? Where you are mentally refreshed but you are physically exhausted? And your body just wants to lay in bed--your own bed--and your eyes just need to rest for just a little while.

Yeah, well, that doesn't happen when the kids start school tomorrow and your whole vacation threw up all over your house and you waited until the last minute to get school supplies (just like every one else). But wait! I decided to take the boys swimming first, you know, to tire them out. Instead, we all got too much sun (how does that happen now when we didn't burn all week at the beach?!?!) and then we all went back-to-school shopping tired, crabby, and hot.

To top it all off, I had to go to several shoe stores (Thanks Daddy for telling him he needed new shoes when he really didn't!) because Bubba did not believe me that they don't make transformer shoes in his size. I gave him an honest (exhausted) answer why, saying that most of the kids his age do not want to wear transformer shoes. And he gave me a sincere reply: "But I do!" Finally he decided on a pair of $40+ camo Sketchers, so he's not the only one wishing he could squeeze his foot into a $10 pair of Transformer tennis shoes.

I am so not ready for the school year already. I haven't even gotten around to posting the recaps and updates from last school year! Seriously, the boys got out of school the 1st week of June...it's only July now! Not that it matters, cycle break will be here before I know it.

Sun, Strong Currents, Jelly Fish, and Goodbye

2008-07-15T08:38:00.004-05:00

Saturday was a beautiful day...While I spent all day at the beach, Bubba went in midday because he couldn't really play in the ocean. There was a strong risk of rip tides and we were easily knocked down in knee deep water and then carried down shore in a matter of seconds. We did put a washed up jelly fish in a bucket of water and watch it pulsate like a beating heart.

Sunday our friends left early in the morning. We had planned to stay at the beach, but since the current was still wicked strong, we said goodbye to the sun and sand and headed towards home.

It was an extra surprise to drive by Grave Digger's home. Bubba loves Big Foot, and we have visited the Big Foot garage several times since it is so close to home. But Moosie loves Grave Digger!

We should make it home today, after 40 cumulative hours of driving.

Crabby

2008-07-11T20:47:00.005-05:00

It rained most of the day again today, but after a few games of ping pong, we visited "the sound." Moosie felt safe enough to get into the water, and had a good ol' time.

And once again, it was clear skies and high tide after 5PM. We were all pretty crabby after 10 hours staring wistfuly outside hoping for the rain to stop, but we cheered up quickly. Still seemed appropriate that we ended the day by "hunting" crabs! The kids had a blast.

Slam!

2008-07-10T19:16:00.004-05:00

We hit the beach in a split shift, with a two hour break during the rain. In the afternoon the waves were monstrous (pictures are from earlier in the morning). I decided to go further in, beyond where the waves were crashing on shore, toward the really big waves. Diving in, riding them in, getting sucked into the ocean... all fun and games until one hits you just right and you get slammed into the sand and flipped around. Oh well... jumped right back in of course. Not nearly as bad as Aunt M, whose body looks like she scrubbed with sandpaper... she's been having a good time with the Boogie Board.

We are vacationing with some friends who come here every year (they are originally from the area), and I have to say, it is so much fun! And since we are in a beach house, we don't feel cooped up or antsy. The boys love playing with their friends, and are doing really well.

Rain Rain Go Away

2008-07-09T18:45:00.003-05:00

Rained most of the day, but we were out on the beach by 4.

Moosie actually let the water touch his feet for like a second.

Surfs Up!

2008-07-09T12:00:00.003-05:00

Raining today, but we got a sun-filled day in yesterday. After 20 hours in the car, we were VERY thankful.

Raining today, but we got a sun-filled day in yesterday. After 20 hours in the car, we were VERY thankful.

Are you SERIOUS?

2008-07-03T13:40:00.004-05:00

We go on vacation soon.

Here is the weather forecast for home:

Here is the weather forecast for the beach we are going to:

See anything wrong with this?!?!?! The last time we went on "vacation" to the beach (Sister's wedding), we were stuck in a tropical storm. You better bet two years ago I ran outside and jumped in the ocean the second it stopped pooring, my children's transition issues and the clouds/wind/drizzle be damned! You better bet I'll do the same thing this go around. But please, I'd rather it just be sunny.