Monday, January 29, 2007


Take a look at this article.

Like most articles I read online, this one was on my homepage when I opened up my browser to check email. It hit home. I'm not sure if it's because my mom lost her life to breast cancer when she was in her early 30s or if it's because of the radical change in direction I have taken in the past year. Technically, those two reasons are so significantly intertwined, I'm sure they are both partly responsible for why this story buckled my knees and brought me to shuddering tears.

Just last night I had a long, rambling conversation with my sister about life's twist and turns, self-recognition, and self-acceptance (sorry Sister!). I've been working more than I originally wanted for the past couple of months and have been repeating to myself that it's for "easy money" and I should just suck it up as I dig myself out of the pile of shit I chose to dive in. But, that's the same line I fed myself day in and day out as I swam up river chasing after endless, thankless career goals.

So before quitting my job, terminating my career, and basically bitch-slapping 30 years of moving through my presumed path in life, I had a realization: When I die, I want nothing more but to be known as someone who loved my family (including myself) with all of my being and that my family felt this love in their core.

I feel very strongly that with most any deficit or challenge my family might experience, our core love would be the foundation needed to get through it or compensate for it. And for this to happen, in short, I had to stop hiding, allow myself to become vulnerable, and quite simply give myself the chance to be happy.

This directional change in my emotional and rational being (two parts of me that don't usually agree) also impacts my expectations for my husband and my children. And maybe, just maybe, my husband will feel safe enough to allow himself to become vulnerable again. And maybe my children will have felt such passionate, all-encompassing love that even if it is lost or taken from them some day, they will know to have felt that love was worth it and would not run from it the next time it came their way. Kind of silly and unrealistic I suppose, but I dream of this success for them (and me) more than any other.

Though money makes the world go 'round, and there lies BIG ISSUE #1. Speaking of which, Moosie is at school, so I need to get back to work.

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