I woke up with an odd somber feeling this morning to the likeness of that feeling I remember having that first day of summer vacation of most every school year. Sort of a wistful, hollow feeling with a hint of uncertainty and intrigue. I don't recall feeling this way at the beginning of previous New Years.
I could attribute this feeling to the freakish springlike air hovering in my house, the fact that my children are still asleep at 9:30 AM, or the thankful end to a hellish week of holidays and family gatherings, or maybe even the emotions stirred up by the birthdays of my sweet boys.
Or it could be the acknowledgement of better diet, exercise, and interactive parenting and wifery that lingers up ahead as my commitments to the future. Or the mounds of paperwork and work that came to a natural halt at the beginning of Bubba's most recent cycle break and are now looming heavily in my mind and on my kitchen table, baker's rack, office desk, living room floor...or maybe it's just the fact that Moosie starts preschool tomorrow.
I told my husband that this is the first time in my adult life that I don't feel like I'm searching for something that I just can't quite pull from the haze. I interpret this as meaning that for now I am finally where I am supposed to be. It's a pretty simple life, meaning I have no lofty goals, no desire to save the world, fix any large overwhelming problems. I have turned inward, focusing on myself, my children, my husband, and other relationships I feel are important to the core of our health and happiness.
My priorities this year revolve around doing what is best for our family first. Our family comes before academics, careers, material goods. My family feeling acknowledged, loved, and accepted comes before a clean house, error free IEPs, organized paperwork, blogging, or anything else that I used to hide in. Hey, it won't be perfect, but the imperfectness will be with better intent, and that's what matters to me.