Monday, December 17, 2007

Guilty

Recently we qualified for 'in home respite care' (babysitting). And I feel guilty. By some point system that makes my older son sound like a monster, we are reimbursed for a set amount of respite care this year from our Regional Center (services for people with disabilities). And I feel guilty.

Why do I feel guilty?

This morning we started off Christmas break by me making the bad bad bad mistake of taking both of the boys to their yearly well visits at the pediatrician's office. Both boys. By myself. To a doctor. Who demands they undress for inspection. And tries to question me at the same time thinking I can focus and provide relevant, useful information. On a Monday morning.

Sometime in between the screaming and throwing of shirts, shoes, and pants...

Sometime in between the bribing with stickers, restraining of hands and feet, and chasing impulsivity down the hallway...

Sometime in between the doctor looking exasperated and me wanting to crawl under or dare I say hurl a chair...

Sometime during the 15 minute never-ending appointment...

The doctor made sure the boys' hearts were still beating, their penises were still attached at the right places, and their lungs were still clearly expanding and contracting. At least that's all I could tell she actually accomplished.

Sometime after the examinations, the doctor told me that maybe I should suggest moving to a higher dose of Bubba's medication to the developmental pediatrician we see soon (who monitors the more, um, complicated part of the boys).

Sometime after the doctor tried to blackmail the boys into dressing themselves, she asked me how I managed to accomplish anything. And as one of them bolted out of the office, I proclaimed, "It isn't always like this!"

And after all of that, someone watched the boys (or rather played trains with them) for a couple of hours while I cleaned the kitchen, went to buy a new belt for the vacuum cleaner, and did various other pointless chores that have already since been 'undone.' And I paid her. With money that was basically given to me.

And I feel so flippin' guilty.

Why?

And now Bubba is crying because he lost a teeny tiny bolt from a toy. Convulsive sobs. Snotty tears. If it is anything like yesterday when it took me over an hour to convince an emotional Bubba that no matter what he did, Christmas Eve would not come right then, I am out of service for awhile. So much for that $1 store toy occupying him while I make more frickin' Christmas cookies.

Respite lady? YooHoo, Respite lady! I need to buy some more guilt.

5 comments:

Maddy said...

It's always a trade off. I know [think?] exactly what you mean.
Best wishes
"Whittereronautism"

Stimey said...

I've been at that doctor's appointment. It sucks. Hang in there, you're not alone.

kristen said...

Should've brought the "respite lady" to the pediatrician's office with you :o)

Side question....does insurance pay for the developmental pediatrician?

Ange said...

Ours does. It's just treated like a regular pediatrician visit as far as I can tell (re: billing). We pay our regular copay, but the pediatrician specializes in autism and developmental disabilities as well as medication. The neurologist we were seeing annually didn't give us the support we needed. The initial dev ped appt lasted two hours or more after we already sent in stacks of papers. Very thourough and supportive. I didn't feel like I was being told to give Bubba medication, but rather there was discussion about all of the options, what was working, what wasn't, what our goals were (Bubba's goals included), etc. AS things change (or don't change) he is also available by phone and e-mail for dosage/side effect questions and such. Very nice!

autismfamily said...

I did the same thing in Nov taking both boys for their annual physicals. The blood pressure was not easy for my almost 13 year old and they bypassed the 11 year old who is noverbal.

This was the first time that my almost 13 year old was asked to pee in a cup and he has some interesting comments about that and felt it was inappropriate and disgusting.

I am a single parent and the visits were worse when they were younger and I walked out of the Dr office and had to talk to management to get the visits to go smoother. Whenever I go for a visit without an appt I call the nurse and give the heads up that we are on our way.

My kids are 15 months apart and have come a long way since the first days at the Dr office. I just went from Dev Ped to regular Ped for the meds since we are no longer getting services at their clinic My son is on Geodon.

As far as respite, I call it glorified babysitting and have not used it in years but might soon since I am now homeschooling the sixth grader with California Virtual Academy and could use a break and a visit to the gym, but will try to get a membership for him as well. I am interested in knowing what part of CA you are in and what respite agency you use. I would much rather another Mom be the respite worker and swap with one.