Last night Moosie woke up crying around 1:00am. As he entered our room, he was signing his version of "water" (index finger pulling away from chin) and repeatedly saying "Waaa-aaa." Once he finished his water, he pointed to his chin saying "uhm" (his sign and word for "mom") and then pointed to our bed.
Wow. He didn't even ask to nurse. He used to do his modified sign for "drink" (looks like a wave) and scream "EEEEEEEEEE" to indicate he wanted to nurse. Last night, all he needed was a drink of water and to snuggle next to mom, and all was right with the world.
This morning when he awoke in our bed, his hand shot up in reflex as his eyes opened. He half-heartedly waved and then pointed at my chest. He only cried for a second when I reminded him that they were broken. Then he crawled out of bed and left me pondering.
I've had a nursing relationship with Moosie for over 3 years and do not plan on any future nurslings. I pumped exclusively for over 3 months because Moosie couldn't figure out how to nurse when he was a newborn. I pumped in the crappy first-aid room when I was working fulltime, but was able to nurse Moosie at daycare each day at lunch.
There was a period of over a year when Moosie was so sick, the only nourishment or hydration of any form we could get into him was breastmilk. While we never had eye contact during nursing sessions, we had contact nonetheless. It didn't matter that Moosie would rather stare into my armpit and not gaze into my eyes, I had his warmth, his scent, his trust, his life right there nestled in my lap.
With one nip of the nip, it is over. I've been bitten before, but not to this extent. The pain alone is enough to keep me from caving into Moosie's sweet smiles and habitual requests. But I am realizing what we have ended. I think I was ready as was he, but the finality of it all is bittersweet. There was no last time holding him thinking "this is the last time." But never before have I been able to lay next to Moosie and just lay next to Moosie, never until last night.
I am also left pondering what in the heck is going to happen to my boobs? I shudder just thinking about it. And now I have you dear reader shuddering too. Sorry.