Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Flipside

Sometimes I crash, usually in the fall (that is, 'autumn'). And when I do, I don't have enough energy to write about it. I mull over my thoughts again, and again, and AGAIN, but they usually don't make it on this blog.

Let me clarify, posts are saved in the drafts folder, but they rarely are published. I have nearly twenty-five half-written posts on everything from medication to modification. Something usually holds me up, usually my own self-doubt, confusion, grappling for understanding. So there it waits in the drafts folder, but really there it waits in my subconscious ready to permeate my brain at any given moment.

Sometimes, my thoughts tumble out of me when I read other people's blogs. They tumble out in spite of misspelled words and incomplete thoughts. And sometimes that's important, although I know many people who read my blog who know me, don't see that side. So I thought I'd show you by pasting a few of my comments here. Someday the well-thought-out posts will come. Some day.

I need to vent. I need to analyze. I need to process and rediscover. And yes, sometimes I just need to feel sad and overwhelmed and not know why. But please know that even though there are days, many many days, where I need support, when it comes to my life, my husband, my family, my children... I don't need sympathy. Well sometimes I do regarding my husband... have you met my husband? [If you don't get my humor well, too bad...]

Comment 1
I really felt your pain regarding the police officer story. I can hold it together when Bubba is in full meltdown mode. We are both outside of our bodies. Him floating without boundaries, not knowing what to do or aware of what he is doing. Me almost like a robot, my movements and voice very monotone and even. But if someone breaks in, even with a simple look or an “Are you OK?” or worse “Someone needs a spanking!” then I am painfully thrust back into myself and the feeling comes back, emotions flooding to the surface. Sometimes it’s anger, or exhaustion, or saddness, or worthlessness.

My kids don’t fit the stereotype of “autism” so I have no one word to say when I need a “get out of jail free” card. If I say “autism” I get the “autism diagnoses are handed out like candy” look. I could say “agnesis of the corpus callosum” or “developmental disability” or a slew of other things that mean nothing to an onlooker. If I say nothing, I get the “your kids are out of control [or weird]” look. I tend to say nothing because I don’t think I need to label my child for them. I only explain where they need some modification and understanding if they are people we will see again and again. But sometimes the child in me screams… when you see it enough, hear it enough, feel it enough… sometimes you begin to think it’s true, that you really are an incompetent parent with out-of-control spoiled brats. What’s worse than thinking that of course is letting that way of thinking permeate my children.

Sorry. It’s been an off month.

Comment 2
It's a long ride... I just wanted to give you some serious hugs because it's tough! I have two that are autistic, aren't autistic, maybe autistic. And I'm like I really don't fucking care, just give them the modifications and supports they need to be successful little boys in their own big ways. But technically, I really DO care... because I'm tired of people coming up to me and saying "Hey, your kid is weird." and then turn the corner and someone else says "Hey, your kid is so normal!" and then turn another corner and "Your kid is autistic." and then turn another corner and "Your kid is SO not autistic." It gets really tiring. Doctors, therapists, one agrees.

Truth is both of my kids are different in different situations, different times of days, different times of know!

My older one is seen as a behavior problem and no matter what he is dx with (there is no denying he is missing his corpus collosum) he is still seen strictly as a behavior problem. The younger one has so much more problem solving and impulse control ability than his older brother, but because he 'stims,' for some reason he gets away with stuff and isn't considered a behavior problem. But because he is social now at nearly 4 and is starting to become verbal, his PDD-NOS dx MUST be wrong. Maybe it is. But why are we so hung up on it? Just give him what he needs!

Sorry for the vent, but I totally empathize. Elementary school really sucks. Unfortunately what bettejo says is so true.


Stimey said...

I do a lot of random venting in the comments sections of people's blogs too. Your comments are always welcome over at my place!

kristen said...

I love the "venting" blogs and comments. I can totally relate to so many of them. I am guilty of using other peoples' blogs since I don't have one of my own :o)